[ Istredd reaches up and takes his outstretched hand, holding it with a gentle squeeze back at him. He moves to the side of him and puts the other arm around his shoulder, leaned up right against him so he can do the same back when he needs to. ]
This you did not do that. Maybe that's why Jack wanted to see more of you, you've changed.
[ Everyone has acknowledged that Lucifer changed, including Lucifer himself. It was gradual but it's a solid foundation. Istredd can only guess at what Jack saw, but it makes sense to him. He probably wanted to believe it but if they had the chance, he knows Lucifer would have proved it to be true. That is a cold comfort, or none at all, because they had the option but never got to do it. ]
You have it in you to be a good father, separated from the downfalls of your sphere, look at Wilhelm. He would have seen that eventually.
What's it matter? He's gone, maybe he'll remember that he saw... whatever in me to give me a chance, but what's the point in him, anyway. [It's what he kept asking himself. Gone was the time where he needed the kid to be by his side, untainted by outside influence. He missed that opportunity instantly.] I don't need to keep having more of these... these kids looking to me.
It doesn't matter. It's safer for him to not be here.
People don't need to have a point to exist. Nor does there need to be a point in having them around, outside of wanting them to.
[ Istredd knows that Lucifer has a tendency to hunch back into his former self when in an emotional state of mind like now. As if he can somehow make himself go backwards to not caring when all he's doing is caring very strongly. ]
They look to you because you treat them like people, not like kids. At that age, everyone thinks they know better, but you're more willing to listen to them.
[ Lucifer's open-minded about others in a way not everyone is. Istredd can see why their youths are drawn to him. He holds Lucifer's hand still, running his thumb back and forth along his knuckles. ]
Maybe you're right that it's safer, but I am sorry that you lost him.
[It's the first time Lucifer uncoils a little bit and it's to give Istredd a look equivalent to his 'do you know how utterly insane you sound' and really, it's not Istredd's fault, it's just Lucifer's concept of reality.] People exist, born into a tapestry of Fate and Time and I can fight against the grain as much as I want but it doesn't change that every person has some noose around their neck, the ability to create a domino effect by them being pulled out. There's a point to everyone, regardless how useless and pathetic they are or the choices they'd prefer.
[Purpose and duty and still so heavily woven through him no matter how much he's shaken it off.]
[ Istredd gives him a neutral look back because that is not his experience or his belief, and his sphere and how it works is different from Lucifer's. Nothing he says changes his mind, but he does understand that is how Lucifer feels, so it may as well be true. ]
You're the one who said 'what's the point in him,' so if you believe that everyone does have a point, so does he. What's his point, Lucifer? To you.
[And that's the real crux of the problem. Always coming back to a selfish view on life. How and what a person is and should be to Lucifer, not the rest of the world. Jack may as well have been a cardboard cutout. Not a person on his own, not a being. An accessory, to Lucifer.
He sinks he chin down to his arms, staring out at the plants around them, sun on leaves, a breeze pushing up under vines.] There is none. [A repetition. If he keeps saying it, it'll have to stick.] He was supposed to be a change. Someone that didn't know my story. That had to follow me. [He knows what it sounds like, okay. He knows. He's telling Istredd, anyway.] I got plenty of that here, I don't need him, already watered down by Castiel and the Winchesters. He didn't need me as a parent and I couldn't use his power so he would've just been one more problem.
[ Istredd listens without comment or judgment because he knows that the way Lucifer thinks is not always what he actually believes or wants. Unlearning billions of years is near impossible, but he does try. His next question is gentle. ]
[Istredd's question could have been no more than a whisper and it still would've cut right on through.
His reaction is instantaneous, glaring daggers at Istredd, a near-snarl to his voice.] I'm not-- ['Upset' gets lost just as quick and there's a buzz of power to his skin, the hairs of his arms standing up. He jerks his gaze back away, not saying anything, but mostly managing to stuff the upsurge of energy into a box that wouldn't harm Istredd by proximity. Not that it should on a normal basis anyway, but. Well.
[ Istredd is aware that he probably doesn't actually know how many times Lucifer may have almost killed him accidentally. He has a lot of power that he has to control and as he regains his grace it'll continue. But he has faith in him which is why he doesn't even flinch. He meets Lucifer's dagger glare with understanding and runs his fingers through Lucifer's hair when he looks away. ]
Why bother pretending with me? Your son was here and there was potential to make a relationship, enough that you agreed to meet in the Horizon. He's gone and that opportunity is lost. You're allowed to feel sad and regretful and mad about it. I am the last person you have to pretend with.
[Because he's so impossibly, agonizingly, truly upset, Istredd, that's why.
It's not about trying to pretend with Istredd. It's trying to pretend with himself.
He doesn't want to. There's no reason to, so why does he have to?! This wasn't even him screwing up. He didn't fall into Dad's playbook. This wasn't even... even like Istredd and the kids, who he nearly lost to the happenings of this worlds itself. It was just machinations of the universe still making him always wonder in the back of his mind if God was in the background pulling his strings and making Lucifer dance to his script.
This time Istredd does receive a full snarl.] Shut up.
[ Istredd's eyes narrow and he does his mental math, his side thought process when he decides whether it's worth it to push Lucifer or better to back off. He has to consider what his motivations are and the best way to it. Sometimes even when it comes to the most emotional of things, his mind mixes it with logic. ]
I have an idea that might help.
[ A complete turn in conversation, an abrupt detour. He is an expert at taking the winds out of Lucifer's sails and he suspects fighting will do no one any good. At least not each other.]
We shouldn't do it here. Come back to the room and meet me in the Horizon.
[ Still completely unafraid, he touches Lucifer's face despite his snarling. ]
[It's not the 'trust me' that does it. It's that Istredd still touches him when Lucifer very well could actually sever his hand at the wrist with his teeth. That the venom is there, the want to just simply lash out at this fool of a mage even daring to reach out to the monster under everyone's bed.
His raised hackles don't ebb but his reddened gaze meets Istredd's and there is no vocal agreement, barely even a mental agreement. But the feeling is there. Understanding and acknowledgment and acceptance.
He does not go back with Istredd though. It's... better that way on a multitude of levels. He blinks out of the garden, the sound of billowing wings, and then Istredd is alone.
But Lucifer will be in their room when Istredd arrives, pacing a hole in the floor between the beds.]
[ If Istredd was afraid of Lucifer, this wouldn't work. He isn't willing to be 'smart' about it the way others might urge him to, because this is his relationship and he believes they have a foundation of trust. He's already made it clear he loves the monster as much as the angel, since they're one and the same. He does decide to walk rather than portal to give Lucifer a little time to breathe.
When he comes back to find Lucifer pacing, he walks over to Lucifer's bed, mostly their bed these days, and sits on it, back to the wall. ]
Meet me in there.
[ If Lucifer wants to sit next to him or somewhere else, it doesn't matter, because Istredd simply slides his way into the Horizon without anything else. When Lucifer comes into the library he'll find it drastically changed. The tower is still complete but there are no books or shelves, it is a large empty space. Floors of it. Istredd has control over his space more than most, he thinks owing to his psionics.
It will not be easy to fill everything in, but it's all saved and somewhere else. He simply moved all of it nearby. It does feel strange and the ravens are outside with the books. The tower is sealed from the inside though, no one can come in. He waits.]
[Lucifer might always suspect that one day... one day will be too much. One day there will be a breaking point, that Istredd can't stomach what Lucifer is completely. He isn't even trying to find it anymore he's just... himself. Trust is an extremely hard concept for him to accept.
He stops pacing at stares at Istredd's figure on their bed. Hesitates. Considers. And just sort of slides down to the floor, legs sprawled out, his back to Istredd's bed. Stares up at the ceiling and thinks of layingin a cave with Castiel, drawing out invisible silvery shapes in their green bubble. He closes his eyes and tilts his head forward and skips his consciousness a little left of center.
The restless energy hasn't left him when he appears, but he is momentarily thrown for a loop at the change of scenery. His lips twitch.] What's this, then?
[ It is the first thing he says when Lucifer arrives. Maybe jumping ahead to where a denial might come from, but Istredd is only confident every once and awhile, and at the moment he does think he could have an idea. Enough to convince Lucifer to come here. ]
When you feel that strongly, it's like you can barely control the power, and you said that if you had held onto your feelings that first night, it would have exploded out of you eventually.
[ This is a different type of angst but in a way it comes from a similar place. Fear and loss. They've talked out all of that but really what this is about is Istredd taking lessons from their iffy moments to get to the other side. ]
There is nothing we can do about it in Thorne, and we still have to wait until this weekend to hunt.
[ So if Lucifer wanted to get out his violence, it was too far away from then to be instant gratification. It might feel good then, but it's not enough for now. Istredd is in his scholar mode which he uses when he's breaking down a thought process bit by bit. Lucifer can't do anything violent in Thorne so he has to keep squashing it.]
What if in this safe and contained space, you fill it with whatever you want, and then just destroy the shit out of all of it. Let loose, get out some of that anger you're holding onto.
[ Istredd thinks the lack of release of rage is something that at least some semblance of freedom of violence can help. As an example, Istredd makes a glass statue, and it is a replica of Stregobor himself, who he's talked about a few times with increasing tension. The mentor looks pretty much perfect and he telekinetically strikes it. It flies backward and hits the wall and shatters into quite a lot of pieces, maybe intentionally more than usual because it's more satisfying.
Istredd isn't a violent person but Lucifer is. If he can't talk about his feelings regarding Jack, maybe he can destroy it out. ]
[He blinks. Slow. A weird mix in his head thinks he's not in the mood to play student and boy is he undergoing the same lessons as Wilhelm? Cool, that's fun.
It's not that he doesn't get what Istredd's setting up for him. An outlet, one that won't wind him like even reality would.
In an ideal world Lucifer would in fact have created an entire room's worth of something to just shatter through. Unleash his anger. Because there's so much of it.
But rarely does Lucifer cooperate and some of that maw needing to snap is still there and they're in the Horizon and--
Lucifer holds up a hand, a deadened look to his expression. He can't do this at all outside of the Horizon. Barely usually would be able to in the Horizon. But the wisps of radiance come when called to his palm, a glowing molten bomb, and he twists his wrist in one fluid motion.
It sails in whizzing, meteor-strike fashion, mere millimeters by Istredd's head, burning at skin as it goes.
It does actually shatter into some kind of stalagmite crystalline structure behind Istredd. Oh. Look. Supposedly he was aiming for something.
Lucifer only tilts his head, a flicker to the destruction beyond Istredd, and then looking back.
Well. Istredd does make a good point. He could let loose, get out some of that anger he's holding onto.]
[ It is somewhat inspired by Wilhelm, but he wasn't the first person either. It's a common enough training for some of the more tempestuous mages. They couldn't afford to get out of control. He thinks it is a logical solution and Lucifer has to get it out or else this is going to be worse.
He is trying to help, sincerely, he wants to do what he can. He hates feeling helpless and going back to the well of logical suggestion is what he does best. Istredd doesn't like the look on Lucifer's face though, wondering if he miscalculated, and the answer comes firmly when he throws a ball of light at him.
Istredd is surprised and so barely manages to move aside, feeling the burn just on the edge of his face. The look he shoots him is startled and then hurt and then resolved. ]
Have it your way then.
[ He says sharply and then disappears, although he's not actually leaving. Instead he creates many versions of himself in that space, of all kinds of matter. Metal, glass, marble. All of their expressions is that patented annoying eerie calm when Lucifer tries to get a rise out of him, intentionally wanting to get a rise out of Lucifer now. He makes a few Castiels too. If Lucifer wants to get a fight out of him, he refuses on principle to play. It's unclear where he is now even with their bond but he hasn't left. ]
[Despite his mood, he still deliberately missed Istredd with the strike. He might feel bad about it sometime further down the road.
It's clear he doesn't right now, something else checked in, because now, now Lucifer is on the hunt. An chilling golden blade finds its way into his hand, not unlike the angel blade he had showed to Kyle and Istredd. This is different, the metal twisting slightly around itself before it comes to a point, and an actual grip that is more than just smooth surface. It sings on the air as he flicks it in his grip.]
Come onnn, Istredd. [The blade may sing, but his voice is dull as he moves, stepping around each sculpture, sinking the blade into the back of one Istredd's glass neck, twisting, cracking, and beheading it. His mind wanders the space, idle motions, searching for any sign of where the man flitted off to as he rounds a marbled Castiel and straddles it, blade tantalizing over a cheek.] This is a safe and contained space, after all! [He slides the blade across the Castiel's front, through its nonexistent heart. It likely only breaks apart more from his willpower than the archangel blade actually destroying marble.
He finds another one, slips the blade right into the back where the Castiel's spine should be, whispering over its shoulder.] Right where I killed him the last time. Little nuisance is the entire reason I didn't get to be with my son in the first place. [Light shines up through the glass, mimicking veins of an angel's death, white bled out of eyes and mouth and where the blade comes out through the chest.
Wherever Istredd is he'll get a brief flash of Castiel's actual death as it happens to the fake one, sent out like a cobra bite of a psychic attack. The glass clinks to the floor in a pile. Lucifer crunches his foot over a piece and sneers.] Stole the little incubator of a woman while I was trussed up by the usurper of my throne.
[He laughs. Teeters. And hurls the blade across the room, into a metal Istredd's chest.] And I stiiiiill didn't tell him the truth. Kept the kid's secret soooo there could be no risks. No bleed. No threat. [The room hums. That telltale high-pitched whistle pierces the air. Head splitting, ear bleeding. Lucifer laughs. His shadowed wings mantle around him, drawing up his full power.] Castiel thinks he's the father and I could crush him one last time. One real, final blow. But I won't. [He doesn't yet know that Castiel... already knows from reasons outside of them. But still. It wasn't Lucifer to land that blow.
The sound upticks a notch. Istredd will need a protective layer to not feel the effects.
Lucifer screams, an earth-shaking sonic attack, and everything in the room explodes.
The sounds slowly fade. He passes out from the excessive use and before he even hits the ground, whether or not Istredd would've interfered, he's blinked out of the Horizon, and he is out of their room like a shot, gone.
He's not so fucked he slams the mental doors between them, but it's a near thing. Keeps them open. Were Istredd to look for him in the nearest future to hours later, he'll be hunched in on himself on that High Point in Thorne where they had maybe their first disastrous conversation.
He has a string, a thread of sorts, ends tied to make a large loop. He's playing Cat's Cradle again and again and again, staring at nothing, his thoughts not static but very blank.]
Edited (edit edit edit but also check my plurk because I'm paranoid LOL ) 2023-06-05 07:16 (UTC)
[ Istredd removed himself for a few reasons, although the biggest one is knowing that Lucifer's in a mood where he might do something he regrets later. That they both may regret later. Throwing a ball of energy at his head was enough and now he has versions of him to shatter if he wants to take out his ire on the person who keeps picking at his heart. He is safely somewhere else although watching, and it is his domain so he can't be found when he wants to be invisible.
He watches in case anything truly upsets him and he hears all of his explanation of the circumstances surrounding Jack. But again, none of this explains why Lucifer protected Jack, why he is so upset that he got to this point, outside of the obvious. He wanted the relationship, the boy meant more than that to him, and now it's gone. Whatever he needs to say or do right then, he can.
Istredd does feel the build up of sound and shields himself. He probably wouldn't fully be able to block it in the real world but this is his domain so he successfully does. He's startled by Lucifer's immediate passing out, although perhaps he should have expected that as he's said how weak he is in comparison.
By the time Istredd makes it down there, Lucifer is gone, and gone from their room. He expected that and so didn't go immediately after him. Istredd took the time to redo his library, everything back in its place, before coming back, and he thinks it may have been good to give Lucifer space too. He is relieved that the connection is not being blocked between them. He gives him a good half hour to himself before taking a portal to that exact place.
Istredd doesn't have to use their bond to look for him. He knows. They had their first real breakthrough here, becoming closer. It wasn't a disaster to him. He sits down next to him without hesitation, the side of his body pressed into Lucifer's so the contact is deliberate. ]
Maybe I miscalculated.
[ He hates being wrong but he can't always be right either. Lucifer is still this upset but then again, nothing can make him feel better right then. The fact Istredd's there and sitting close is a tacit acknowledgment that he isn't mad about the attack or anything. There is no anger coming off him, mostly sadness. ]
It feels like it was years ago, the first time we were here.
[He thumps into Istredd's side almost immediately, head on Istredd's shoulder, eyes closed, almost looking asleep though his hands are still going through the shapes of the string game. The contact is just as much for himself as it is Istredd, he thinks. Hopes?
He doesn't think Istredd entirely miscalculated. It should have been a good idea, and maybe had Istredd just left him in the space without speaking it could've worked on instinct, but Lucifer saw person and red and there was his outlet.]
It happens. It's allowed to happen.
[The dullness is gone and now he's just tired, even from the Horizon, likely more than would be normal. It was still a full expenditure of himself and so much of it was mental energy. In a way Istredd's method did work, Lucifer just took it and shredded it into something else.
If he knew the reason he was so upset this would be easier, maybe. But he really doesn't.]
I've been here a year now.
[Abraxas. Him and Wilhelm, around the same day. Jack had been maybe only a few months. He doesn't really remember. He just remembers seeing him in Nocwich during the recovery period. He's lost a couple acquaintances in shorter amounts of time but he didn't really think... time is often not an archangel problem. It isn't like he sat back and waited though, either. They were in contact. He reached out. It's just...
Ah.
His thoughts are scattered about. Like maybe if he throws a dart he'll find what his problem is, but he thinks it's just everything, tangled together.
But maybe he's landed on something.
His lack of control. Their lack of control. To keep anyone here, really.]
I wanted to tell you. [God, he really wanted to.] Only Wanda knew, and that was... circumstance. Before the kid was here. She was... rather displeased when I told her she couldn't tell anyone the truth. Might've been more upset than me about everything. [He doesn't know what Istredd knows about her kids.
He's gonna have to give her an 'update' at some point and he can imagine how that's going to go, her own gaping sadness.]
[ It is a relief when Lucifer leans into him and he automatically turns to press a kiss onto the top of Lucifer's head on his shoulder. He reaches out to take Lucifer's hand and threads their fingers together, holding it and these small gestures of reassurance for both of them. Being able to touch Lucifer is integral to expressing his love for him, stronger than words. ]
Ten months for me.
[ He arrived not that long after Lucifer, who was the first person he met here. A roommate on a whim. He doesn't know where he'd be if that connection hadn't been made right away. Istredd's tendency to ignore others and isolate would have made it longer before he made these friendships. It changed when Lucifer went looking for him when he was stuck in the Horizon. When someone cared about where he was.
He suspects this is about their lack of control, and it is something he fears too. One day either of them could wake up and the other one is simply gone. And they can't reunite in their spheres, this is their only chance. It puts a lot of weight into finding an answer to keeping them there.
It does make him feel better, that Lucifer wanted to tell him even if he didn't.]
I would have meddled. [ He admits readily enough. ] I already tried to convince him you weren't as bad as they said, when I thought he was your nephew. [ Istredd can't help himself. He always tries to advocate for him. ]
I'm glad you had Wanda. I don't want you to go through anything alone. [ Lucifer's been alone for billions of years. ]
[Physical reassurance is growing as a good thing for Lucifer but he knows how much it helps ground Istredd. It's less an apology and more a thank you. He'd assumed Istredd would come to him eventually, assumed he likely wouldn't even have been upset with Lucifer. But still. Thank you, just the same. For continuing to roll with Lucifer's punches, or in this case a whizzing ball of holy fire.
He doesn't do anything alone, and that is a surprising realization. Even his treasonous ploys go through a handful of people. Committee. He values other's opinions because while in the past he'd do whatever he felt like on a whim, consequences be damned, he can't anymore.
Whatever happens to him affects the rest of them, one way or another. Whatever happens to any of them. Whatever they do.
And that matters now.] Yeah? [A chuckle.] And how'd he take that?
[ Lucifer will find that one of the best ways to calm him down or make him feel better is as simple as a physical gesture. A hand on his back, putting Lucifer's head on his shoulder like now, even leaning into his personal space. In a way, Istredd's as touch-starved as Lucifer is. His withdrawal from the world led to there being years without any type of closeness. It also is a part of their relationship that is special to them. ]
We didn't talk long. He did mention you hurt him, but now how. He seemed like a kind person and very young, I think he would have opened up.
[ Perhaps too naive, and willing to make some kind of peace with the father who disappointed him, but that isn't always a bad thing. Second chances happen for a reason. Lucifer has made the most of the ones he got. He leans his head on top of Lucifer's briefly, looking out at Thorne. ]
I am truly sorry, Lucifer. The situation we're in, even with its upsides, can be terribly unfair.
He said I shouldn't be blamed for the actions I hadn't personally committed yet. [Which while what he'd prefer, is not something he is accustomed to. The Blame Game is strong when you're him, though he thinks it's lessened substantially here. He has enough of a footing. Enough of a structure of people around him that if someone tries to shake him he's less likely to overreact.
He sighs. An exhalation of being, pushed out. Bone-limp. The only movement is still his hands and fingers, held down between his knees, the thread constantly in motion.
Under the outside, over the second, pick up the third. Under, over, pick up. Under, over...] I don't like acceptance. [Shocker. Accepting that Jack is gone, that he never really had a chance, that their control is so frail, that this was ultimately just a blip of a moment in time.]
[ It's something Istredd agrees with strongly, so he thinks he probably had a good read on Jack. It's unfortunate that neither of them really got the chance to do the kind of healing they deserved. The closure they might have been able to find. Would it have hurt more to have that time and then lose it, or early before any of it happened? He's in the camp of having it even briefly is better than not. Considering their entire relationship.
He lets Lucifer do whatever he wants with his hands, it's clearly a coping mechanism of some kind, one that Istredd doesn't recognize. ]
I know. [ After being powerless and stuck for billions of years, any feeling of helplessness is bound to trigger him. ] The good news is you don't have to do it right away. It's okay to be upset and feel whatever you do about it first.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
This you did not do that. Maybe that's why Jack wanted to see more of you, you've changed.
[ Everyone has acknowledged that Lucifer changed, including Lucifer himself. It was gradual but it's a solid foundation. Istredd can only guess at what Jack saw, but it makes sense to him. He probably wanted to believe it but if they had the chance, he knows Lucifer would have proved it to be true. That is a cold comfort, or none at all, because they had the option but never got to do it. ]
You have it in you to be a good father, separated from the downfalls of your sphere, look at Wilhelm. He would have seen that eventually.
no subject
It doesn't matter. It's safer for him to not be here.
no subject
[ Istredd knows that Lucifer has a tendency to hunch back into his former self when in an emotional state of mind like now. As if he can somehow make himself go backwards to not caring when all he's doing is caring very strongly. ]
They look to you because you treat them like people, not like kids. At that age, everyone thinks they know better, but you're more willing to listen to them.
[ Lucifer's open-minded about others in a way not everyone is. Istredd can see why their youths are drawn to him. He holds Lucifer's hand still, running his thumb back and forth along his knuckles. ]
Maybe you're right that it's safer, but I am sorry that you lost him.
per usual, Lucifer fixates
[Purpose and duty and still so heavily woven through him no matter how much he's shaken it off.]
no subject
You're the one who said 'what's the point in him,' so if you believe that everyone does have a point, so does he. What's his point, Lucifer? To you.
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He sinks he chin down to his arms, staring out at the plants around them, sun on leaves, a breeze pushing up under vines.] There is none. [A repetition. If he keeps saying it, it'll have to stick.] He was supposed to be a change. Someone that didn't know my story. That had to follow me. [He knows what it sounds like, okay. He knows. He's telling Istredd, anyway.] I got plenty of that here, I don't need him, already watered down by Castiel and the Winchesters. He didn't need me as a parent and I couldn't use his power so he would've just been one more problem.
no subject
Then why are you so upset?
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His reaction is instantaneous, glaring daggers at Istredd, a near-snarl to his voice.] I'm not-- ['Upset' gets lost just as quick and there's a buzz of power to his skin, the hairs of his arms standing up. He jerks his gaze back away, not saying anything, but mostly managing to stuff the upsurge of energy into a box that wouldn't harm Istredd by proximity. Not that it should on a normal basis anyway, but. Well.
Always a flight risk, Lucifer.] Shut up.
no subject
Why bother pretending with me? Your son was here and there was potential to make a relationship, enough that you agreed to meet in the Horizon. He's gone and that opportunity is lost. You're allowed to feel sad and regretful and mad about it. I am the last person you have to pretend with.
no subject
It's not about trying to pretend with Istredd. It's trying to pretend with himself.
He doesn't want to. There's no reason to, so why does he have to?! This wasn't even him screwing up. He didn't fall into Dad's playbook. This wasn't even... even like Istredd and the kids, who he nearly lost to the happenings of this worlds itself. It was just machinations of the universe still making him always wonder in the back of his mind if God was in the background pulling his strings and making Lucifer dance to his script.
This time Istredd does receive a full snarl.] Shut up.
no subject
I have an idea that might help.
[ A complete turn in conversation, an abrupt detour. He is an expert at taking the winds out of Lucifer's sails and he suspects fighting will do no one any good. At least not each other.]
We shouldn't do it here. Come back to the room and meet me in the Horizon.
[ Still completely unafraid, he touches Lucifer's face despite his snarling. ]
Trust me.
no subject
His raised hackles don't ebb but his reddened gaze meets Istredd's and there is no vocal agreement, barely even a mental agreement. But the feeling is there. Understanding and acknowledgment and acceptance.
He does not go back with Istredd though. It's... better that way on a multitude of levels. He blinks out of the garden, the sound of billowing wings, and then Istredd is alone.
But Lucifer will be in their room when Istredd arrives, pacing a hole in the floor between the beds.]
no subject
When he comes back to find Lucifer pacing, he walks over to Lucifer's bed, mostly their bed these days, and sits on it, back to the wall. ]
Meet me in there.
[ If Lucifer wants to sit next to him or somewhere else, it doesn't matter, because Istredd simply slides his way into the Horizon without anything else. When Lucifer comes into the library he'll find it drastically changed. The tower is still complete but there are no books or shelves, it is a large empty space. Floors of it. Istredd has control over his space more than most, he thinks owing to his psionics.
It will not be easy to fill everything in, but it's all saved and somewhere else. He simply moved all of it nearby. It does feel strange and the ravens are outside with the books. The tower is sealed from the inside though, no one can come in. He waits.]
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He stops pacing at stares at Istredd's figure on their bed. Hesitates. Considers. And just sort of slides down to the floor, legs sprawled out, his back to Istredd's bed. Stares up at the ceiling and thinks of layingin a cave with Castiel, drawing out invisible silvery shapes in their green bubble. He closes his eyes and tilts his head forward and skips his consciousness a little left of center.
The restless energy hasn't left him when he appears, but he is momentarily thrown for a loop at the change of scenery. His lips twitch.] What's this, then?
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[ It is the first thing he says when Lucifer arrives. Maybe jumping ahead to where a denial might come from, but Istredd is only confident every once and awhile, and at the moment he does think he could have an idea. Enough to convince Lucifer to come here. ]
When you feel that strongly, it's like you can barely control the power, and you said that if you had held onto your feelings that first night, it would have exploded out of you eventually.
[ This is a different type of angst but in a way it comes from a similar place. Fear and loss. They've talked out all of that but really what this is about is Istredd taking lessons from their iffy moments to get to the other side. ]
There is nothing we can do about it in Thorne, and we still have to wait until this weekend to hunt.
[ So if Lucifer wanted to get out his violence, it was too far away from then to be instant gratification. It might feel good then, but it's not enough for now. Istredd is in his scholar mode which he uses when he's breaking down a thought process bit by bit. Lucifer can't do anything violent in Thorne so he has to keep squashing it.]
What if in this safe and contained space, you fill it with whatever you want, and then just destroy the shit out of all of it. Let loose, get out some of that anger you're holding onto.
[ Istredd thinks the lack of release of rage is something that at least some semblance of freedom of violence can help. As an example, Istredd makes a glass statue, and it is a replica of Stregobor himself, who he's talked about a few times with increasing tension. The mentor looks pretty much perfect and he telekinetically strikes it. It flies backward and hits the wall and shatters into quite a lot of pieces, maybe intentionally more than usual because it's more satisfying.
Istredd isn't a violent person but Lucifer is. If he can't talk about his feelings regarding Jack, maybe he can destroy it out. ]
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It's not that he doesn't get what Istredd's setting up for him. An outlet, one that won't wind him like even reality would.
In an ideal world Lucifer would in fact have created an entire room's worth of something to just shatter through. Unleash his anger. Because there's so much of it.
But rarely does Lucifer cooperate and some of that maw needing to snap is still there and they're in the Horizon and--
Lucifer holds up a hand, a deadened look to his expression. He can't do this at all outside of the Horizon. Barely usually would be able to in the Horizon. But the wisps of radiance come when called to his palm, a glowing molten bomb, and he twists his wrist in one fluid motion.
It sails in whizzing, meteor-strike fashion, mere millimeters by Istredd's head, burning at skin as it goes.
It does actually shatter into some kind of stalagmite crystalline structure behind Istredd. Oh. Look. Supposedly he was aiming for something.
Lucifer only tilts his head, a flicker to the destruction beyond Istredd, and then looking back.
Well. Istredd does make a good point. He could let loose, get out some of that anger he's holding onto.]
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He is trying to help, sincerely, he wants to do what he can. He hates feeling helpless and going back to the well of logical suggestion is what he does best. Istredd doesn't like the look on Lucifer's face though, wondering if he miscalculated, and the answer comes firmly when he throws a ball of light at him.
Istredd is surprised and so barely manages to move aside, feeling the burn just on the edge of his face. The look he shoots him is startled and then hurt and then resolved. ]
Have it your way then.
[ He says sharply and then disappears, although he's not actually leaving. Instead he creates many versions of himself in that space, of all kinds of matter. Metal, glass, marble. All of their expressions is that patented annoying eerie calm when Lucifer tries to get a rise out of him, intentionally wanting to get a rise out of Lucifer now. He makes a few Castiels too. If Lucifer wants to get a fight out of him, he refuses on principle to play. It's unclear where he is now even with their bond but he hasn't left. ]
perfectly healthy normal things
It's clear he doesn't right now, something else checked in, because now, now Lucifer is on the hunt. An chilling golden blade finds its way into his hand, not unlike the angel blade he had showed to Kyle and Istredd. This is different, the metal twisting slightly around itself before it comes to a point, and an actual grip that is more than just smooth surface. It sings on the air as he flicks it in his grip.]
Come onnn, Istredd. [The blade may sing, but his voice is dull as he moves, stepping around each sculpture, sinking the blade into the back of one Istredd's glass neck, twisting, cracking, and beheading it. His mind wanders the space, idle motions, searching for any sign of where the man flitted off to as he rounds a marbled Castiel and straddles it, blade tantalizing over a cheek.] This is a safe and contained space, after all! [He slides the blade across the Castiel's front, through its nonexistent heart. It likely only breaks apart more from his willpower than the archangel blade actually destroying marble.
He finds another one, slips the blade right into the back where the Castiel's spine should be, whispering over its shoulder.] Right where I killed him the last time. Little nuisance is the entire reason I didn't get to be with my son in the first place. [Light shines up through the glass, mimicking veins of an angel's death, white bled out of eyes and mouth and where the blade comes out through the chest.
Wherever Istredd is he'll get a brief flash of Castiel's actual death as it happens to the fake one, sent out like a cobra bite of a psychic attack. The glass clinks to the floor in a pile. Lucifer crunches his foot over a piece and sneers.] Stole the little incubator of a woman while I was trussed up by the usurper of my throne.
[He laughs. Teeters. And hurls the blade across the room, into a metal Istredd's chest.] And I stiiiiill didn't tell him the truth. Kept the kid's secret soooo there could be no risks. No bleed. No threat. [The room hums. That telltale high-pitched whistle pierces the air. Head splitting, ear bleeding. Lucifer laughs. His shadowed wings mantle around him, drawing up his full power.] Castiel thinks he's the father and I could crush him one last time. One real, final blow. But I won't. [He doesn't yet know that Castiel... already knows from reasons outside of them. But still. It wasn't Lucifer to land that blow.
The sound upticks a notch. Istredd will need a protective layer to not feel the effects.
Lucifer screams, an earth-shaking sonic attack, and everything in the room explodes.
The sounds slowly fade. He passes out from the excessive use and before he even hits the ground, whether or not Istredd would've interfered, he's blinked out of the Horizon, and he is out of their room like a shot, gone.
He's not so fucked he slams the mental doors between them, but it's a near thing. Keeps them open. Were Istredd to look for him in the nearest future to hours later, he'll be hunched in on himself on that High Point in Thorne where they had maybe their first disastrous conversation.
He has a string, a thread of sorts, ends tied to make a large loop. He's playing Cat's Cradle again and again and again, staring at nothing, his thoughts not static but very blank.]
totally normal!
He watches in case anything truly upsets him and he hears all of his explanation of the circumstances surrounding Jack. But again, none of this explains why Lucifer protected Jack, why he is so upset that he got to this point, outside of the obvious. He wanted the relationship, the boy meant more than that to him, and now it's gone. Whatever he needs to say or do right then, he can.
Istredd does feel the build up of sound and shields himself. He probably wouldn't fully be able to block it in the real world but this is his domain so he successfully does. He's startled by Lucifer's immediate passing out, although perhaps he should have expected that as he's said how weak he is in comparison.
By the time Istredd makes it down there, Lucifer is gone, and gone from their room. He expected that and so didn't go immediately after him. Istredd took the time to redo his library, everything back in its place, before coming back, and he thinks it may have been good to give Lucifer space too. He is relieved that the connection is not being blocked between them. He gives him a good half hour to himself before taking a portal to that exact place.
Istredd doesn't have to use their bond to look for him. He knows. They had their first real breakthrough here, becoming closer. It wasn't a disaster to him. He sits down next to him without hesitation, the side of his body pressed into Lucifer's so the contact is deliberate. ]
Maybe I miscalculated.
[ He hates being wrong but he can't always be right either. Lucifer is still this upset but then again, nothing can make him feel better right then. The fact Istredd's there and sitting close is a tacit acknowledgment that he isn't mad about the attack or anything. There is no anger coming off him, mostly sadness. ]
It feels like it was years ago, the first time we were here.
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He doesn't think Istredd entirely miscalculated. It should have been a good idea, and maybe had Istredd just left him in the space without speaking it could've worked on instinct, but Lucifer saw person and red and there was his outlet.]
It happens. It's allowed to happen.
[The dullness is gone and now he's just tired, even from the Horizon, likely more than would be normal. It was still a full expenditure of himself and so much of it was mental energy. In a way Istredd's method did work, Lucifer just took it and shredded it into something else.
If he knew the reason he was so upset this would be easier, maybe. But he really doesn't.]
I've been here a year now.
[Abraxas. Him and Wilhelm, around the same day. Jack had been maybe only a few months. He doesn't really remember. He just remembers seeing him in Nocwich during the recovery period. He's lost a couple acquaintances in shorter amounts of time but he didn't really think... time is often not an archangel problem. It isn't like he sat back and waited though, either. They were in contact. He reached out. It's just...
Ah.
His thoughts are scattered about. Like maybe if he throws a dart he'll find what his problem is, but he thinks it's just everything, tangled together.
But maybe he's landed on something.
His lack of control. Their lack of control. To keep anyone here, really.]
I wanted to tell you. [God, he really wanted to.] Only Wanda knew, and that was... circumstance. Before the kid was here. She was... rather displeased when I told her she couldn't tell anyone the truth. Might've been more upset than me about everything. [He doesn't know what Istredd knows about her kids.
He's gonna have to give her an 'update' at some point and he can imagine how that's going to go, her own gaping sadness.]
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Ten months for me.
[ He arrived not that long after Lucifer, who was the first person he met here. A roommate on a whim. He doesn't know where he'd be if that connection hadn't been made right away. Istredd's tendency to ignore others and isolate would have made it longer before he made these friendships. It changed when Lucifer went looking for him when he was stuck in the Horizon. When someone cared about where he was.
He suspects this is about their lack of control, and it is something he fears too. One day either of them could wake up and the other one is simply gone. And they can't reunite in their spheres, this is their only chance. It puts a lot of weight into finding an answer to keeping them there.
It does make him feel better, that Lucifer wanted to tell him even if he didn't.]
I would have meddled. [ He admits readily enough. ] I already tried to convince him you weren't as bad as they said, when I thought he was your nephew. [ Istredd can't help himself. He always tries to advocate for him. ]
I'm glad you had Wanda. I don't want you to go through anything alone. [ Lucifer's been alone for billions of years. ]
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He doesn't do anything alone, and that is a surprising realization. Even his treasonous ploys go through a handful of people. Committee. He values other's opinions because while in the past he'd do whatever he felt like on a whim, consequences be damned, he can't anymore.
Whatever happens to him affects the rest of them, one way or another. Whatever happens to any of them. Whatever they do.
And that matters now.] Yeah? [A chuckle.] And how'd he take that?
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We didn't talk long. He did mention you hurt him, but now how. He seemed like a kind person and very young, I think he would have opened up.
[ Perhaps too naive, and willing to make some kind of peace with the father who disappointed him, but that isn't always a bad thing. Second chances happen for a reason. Lucifer has made the most of the ones he got. He leans his head on top of Lucifer's briefly, looking out at Thorne. ]
I am truly sorry, Lucifer. The situation we're in, even with its upsides, can be terribly unfair.
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He sighs. An exhalation of being, pushed out. Bone-limp. The only movement is still his hands and fingers, held down between his knees, the thread constantly in motion.
Under the outside, over the second, pick up the third. Under, over, pick up. Under, over...] I don't like acceptance. [Shocker. Accepting that Jack is gone, that he never really had a chance, that their control is so frail, that this was ultimately just a blip of a moment in time.]
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[ It's something Istredd agrees with strongly, so he thinks he probably had a good read on Jack. It's unfortunate that neither of them really got the chance to do the kind of healing they deserved. The closure they might have been able to find. Would it have hurt more to have that time and then lose it, or early before any of it happened? He's in the camp of having it even briefly is better than not. Considering their entire relationship.
He lets Lucifer do whatever he wants with his hands, it's clearly a coping mechanism of some kind, one that Istredd doesn't recognize. ]
I know. [ After being powerless and stuck for billions of years, any feeling of helplessness is bound to trigger him. ] The good news is you don't have to do it right away. It's okay to be upset and feel whatever you do about it first.
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in the mental outtake of my mind: Lucifer just pushes Istredd off the wall: The End, credits roll
LOL RIP
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wrap here?
Perfect! awww cat's cradle for two