[Physical reassurance is growing as a good thing for Lucifer but he knows how much it helps ground Istredd. It's less an apology and more a thank you. He'd assumed Istredd would come to him eventually, assumed he likely wouldn't even have been upset with Lucifer. But still. Thank you, just the same. For continuing to roll with Lucifer's punches, or in this case a whizzing ball of holy fire.
He doesn't do anything alone, and that is a surprising realization. Even his treasonous ploys go through a handful of people. Committee. He values other's opinions because while in the past he'd do whatever he felt like on a whim, consequences be damned, he can't anymore.
Whatever happens to him affects the rest of them, one way or another. Whatever happens to any of them. Whatever they do.
And that matters now.] Yeah? [A chuckle.] And how'd he take that?
[ Lucifer will find that one of the best ways to calm him down or make him feel better is as simple as a physical gesture. A hand on his back, putting Lucifer's head on his shoulder like now, even leaning into his personal space. In a way, Istredd's as touch-starved as Lucifer is. His withdrawal from the world led to there being years without any type of closeness. It also is a part of their relationship that is special to them. ]
We didn't talk long. He did mention you hurt him, but now how. He seemed like a kind person and very young, I think he would have opened up.
[ Perhaps too naive, and willing to make some kind of peace with the father who disappointed him, but that isn't always a bad thing. Second chances happen for a reason. Lucifer has made the most of the ones he got. He leans his head on top of Lucifer's briefly, looking out at Thorne. ]
I am truly sorry, Lucifer. The situation we're in, even with its upsides, can be terribly unfair.
He said I shouldn't be blamed for the actions I hadn't personally committed yet. [Which while what he'd prefer, is not something he is accustomed to. The Blame Game is strong when you're him, though he thinks it's lessened substantially here. He has enough of a footing. Enough of a structure of people around him that if someone tries to shake him he's less likely to overreact.
He sighs. An exhalation of being, pushed out. Bone-limp. The only movement is still his hands and fingers, held down between his knees, the thread constantly in motion.
Under the outside, over the second, pick up the third. Under, over, pick up. Under, over...] I don't like acceptance. [Shocker. Accepting that Jack is gone, that he never really had a chance, that their control is so frail, that this was ultimately just a blip of a moment in time.]
[ It's something Istredd agrees with strongly, so he thinks he probably had a good read on Jack. It's unfortunate that neither of them really got the chance to do the kind of healing they deserved. The closure they might have been able to find. Would it have hurt more to have that time and then lose it, or early before any of it happened? He's in the camp of having it even briefly is better than not. Considering their entire relationship.
He lets Lucifer do whatever he wants with his hands, it's clearly a coping mechanism of some kind, one that Istredd doesn't recognize. ]
I know. [ After being powerless and stuck for billions of years, any feeling of helplessness is bound to trigger him. ] The good news is you don't have to do it right away. It's okay to be upset and feel whatever you do about it first.
[He's silent for likely awhile. Long enough that the sun's starting its decent, the bleed of color over Thorne. Lucifer can feel it, and it's what gets him to open his eyes for the first time, watching from where he's still pressed into Istredd's side.
Abraxas doesn't have the same beauty as Earth but that's also 100% biased.
Eventually, meaningfully, doesn't need to be said but he says it anyway:] Sorry I threw a ball of energy near your head. [Basically at his head. But. Semantics.]
[ Istredd didn't pay enough attention to the beauty of his continent. Too distracted by work and his books and sometimes barely leaving. So Abraxas is impressive for him, as he's required to stop and look at it. He assumes there are places as beautiful in his sphere, he's just never known them. Seeing some of Lucifer's wonders in his Horizon was amazing.
But sitting there with him, watching the sunset, it's lovely visually, if deeply melancholic.
It doesn't need to be said but Istredd's glad that he did. Lucifer is getting fairly good at apologies, thanks to his practice. He hmms and runs his hand up and down Lucifer's spine. ]
We both know it was at me. It was a fitting time to attempt self-sabotage on us, but you know how stubborn I am.
[ Lucifer was pushing at him, trying to provoke him, and Istredd assumes he is always testing boundaries, looking for weak spots. Doubtful that Istredd's love is absolute so close to running away. Istredd was a target who pushed Lucifer when he snarled. Lucifer's communicated before how much he's afraid of hurting him accidentally, hurting him intentionally would take extreme feelings. Like today. He's not afraid.]
Apology appreciated. I'm not mad. I wanted to give you an outlet.
I wasn't trying to break us. [Considering he's tried it a lot, he can tell the difference. It might be better than the actual truth though.] I was just mad. And you were there. [Not entirely healthy and he'd like to think he wouldn't have tried similar outside of the Horizon, but the don't really know. He thinks he would've just flew off before he attacked Istredd on this plane, no matter how angry he was. Kyle and Istredd aren't the same.
It could've been anyone on the other end to provoke the same reaction. The difference is there's no certainty that anyone else wouldn't have just backed down and not come after him later, or ever again. He was, maybe, banking on that stubbornness of Istredd's.] Technically your plan achieved the right results. [There is the barest lilt of humor to the words, tentative.] ... Just some off-kilter means to get there.
[ Since Lucifer does have a habit of self-sabotage and he's tried to push Istredd away before, that seemed like the obvious answer as to why. But Lucifer's reasoning seems correct. He does know when he's trying to make a problem rather than a temper incident. Istredd sighs and puts his arm fully around his waist, turning to kiss Lucifer's head. ]
The point was to let you be mad. I don't want you to explode later. You'd regret it. You can always do that in the Horizon safely.
[ If he would have eventually emotionally exploded later because of their feelings for each other, it seems obvious it would be much bigger and harder at the loss of Jack. The last thing Lucifer needs is to get mad at anyone around him and cause mayhem in the castle. Istredd's always quick to get his back when he can. ]
I'm glad you're talking about it with me and not blocking.
[ Istredd smiles wryly and bumps Lucifer's shoulder with his. ]
I also know that while it's not the same thing ... you have Wilhelm and Kell here. And you've been good to them. Chosen family can be stronger than blood. [ A pause. ] Or grace, if that's the equivalent of blood for you.
He does have them and it is part of the many reasons he didn't want to do anything with Jack. He'd already put in the hard labor for raising dealing with a teenager. One was waaaay bad enough for his sanity.] Logistically? ... Scientifically? I guess grace.
[ Their friendship formed in the strength it is now in part because Istredd was a non-judgmental listener and was easy to bounce ideas and feelings off of for Lucifer. In exchange, Lucifer encouraged him to be stronger and less isolated.
Istredd thinks he probably could have built a rapport with Jack given the time, but it wouldn't take away from the relationships he already made with the 'kids.' He can grieve that loss while also seeing what he does have. ]
Right so they don't have to be full of grace to be yours.
It's true, few people could make annoyance their likeable trait. [He stops with his string game, winding the thread about his wrist, not tightly, for later.]
Oh they are definitely not full of grace. [He says it with an amused laugh, pointedly using the other meaning of grace. It's the first thing he's spoken aloud since Istredd found him up here, a testament of his exhaustion more than anything else.]
[ Istredd's already grumped a few times about how attractive he finds Lucifer when he's being annoying. They like getting under each other's skin, it's just how this goes. He smiles at the remark and then gets a sudden realization. ]
Oh that's what you meant by us both being graceless in Hayle.
[ At the time he wasn't thinking much since they were stripping their clothes off, but he is still learning what Grace means in particular, although he thinks he has a much better idea now. If it's somewhat blood or DNA or something like that for angels, spiritually. Lucifer had laughed when he said it but he hadn't gotten the reference.
He turns his head to kiss Lucifer's cheek gently.]
You're exhausted. Do you want to go to bed? I can bring you food this time.
[Lucifer bursts out laughing, crossing his further-away arm over himself to throw it around Istredd's front, snorting with the laughter against Istredd's shoulder as he turns his head into it.] Oh holy hell, you didn't know! Ha! I mean, sure, why would you really, but! [It's a rare occasion that Lucifer actually, for whatever reason, thought Istredd would've gotten the joke. Never even considered that he didn't.
He continues to chortle, pressing a lazy kiss where his head rests and lets the laughter feed through him for a little bit before answering.] Yeah, you know. Yeah. That's a good idea.
[ Istredd smiles because he loves when Lucifer laughs, especially if he's the cause, even if it's laughing 'at' him. He gets a little thrill when Lucifer embraces him that directly and the lazy kiss on his shoulder makes him warm inside. ]
You hadn't talked about grace in detail! And I wasn't going to stop what we were doing to ask.
[ He was very focused at the time on getting his hands on Lucifer. Istredd chuckles and keeps an arm around him, pulling him close for something much closer to a full out hug. He kisses his head again and lets his nose dive into his hair for a few seconds, breathing him in. The love he has for this angel is unparalleled. ]
Cover yourself in our blankets and you don't have to come out until you want to.
[Oh there will be plenty of times in the future that he'll openly laugh at Istredd.
Kindly?
Kindly.]
So I was certain I had, I've lost track of everything you know and don't know! [Considering that Istredd likely knows more than anyone about angels in general, not even just Lucifer. They need like. A diagram. A mental checklist. But then, Lucifer doesn't know what would go on it.
He's just being. Just is. He doesn't know how to break it down for another person.] I bet you I could have explained in great [he pushes into Istredd's grip] excruciating detail and still not put a dent in the mood. [But hiding away under a mountain of blankets for a little while does sound appealing. He'll have to really deal with other aspects of this at some point. Talking to people, eugh. But it can wait.]
Lucifer, you're billions of years old, I'm fairly certain if we make it to centuries, I'll still not know everything about you. [ He runs fingers through his sandy blonde hair. ] But I love a knowledge challenge.
[ Istredd will never get tired of learning about him. He's like that with everything that fascinates him. He doesn't get bored like other people do, he just keeps searching, keeps learning. He knows a lot about angels now and he sorts out whatever he learns to the side. Istredd casually referring to them as being close for centuries, if they stay here, is not even thought about. He doesn't really get over people. ]
You could have, yes. I was very in the moment.
[ He flusters and then chuckles. Istredd had wanted Lucifer a long time at that point, he was starving for him at that point. He's not certain what could have broken the mood but he's glad nothing did. He squeezes his arm around Lucifer in a half-hug. ]
All the blankets, food, something to drink, what else do you want?
Cool, when you figure it out, lemme know. [Because he doesn't know what needs to be learned!!]
I don't need anything else, really. Just blankets. [The logic center of his brain wants him to say silence. To be left alone. Maybe just that innate familiarity, calling out for normalization.
He wants to be considered a logical being, but anyone that knows him knows what a load of crap that is. Since the Dawn of Creation he's been an emotional creature.
So the rest of the answer comes just as quick, no actual thought, no actual hesitation.] Just you. [....... pause.] ... If you're quiet.
[ He will keep all that knowledge for himself, thanks. Istredd's a little greedy when it comes to being Lucifer's Special One. He is kidding though. (Mostly.)
He does really intend on getting a list and taking care of Lucifer that way, and he would have left him alone if that's what he asked for without taking it personally. His heart aches from that admission and he nods, kissing the top of his head again.]
I'll be quiet, I promise.
[ Most people would call Istredd very quiet. It's only certain people who know that he sometimes never shuts up. He finally lets them unravel their limbs from basically clinging to each other, since when they go to their bed they basically just do the same thing.]
Uh huh. [It's not disbelief that Istredd will stay quiet as much as it's Lucifer not actually caring because he's going to be asleep one way or another. If he gets up at some weird hour of the night with a quiet murmur to make sure Istredd knows he's snagging food, so be it. Sleep is more important.
That is how they find themselves back in their room, Lucifer a useless lump covered in blankets (and Istredd), out like a light.
He'll show Istredd how to play Cat's Cradle some other time, when he actually works out the 'how' behind two players (because he's never had a partner) and when he's not hurting from whatever reasons the loss of Jack hit him with.]
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no subject
Date: 2023-06-05 05:24 pm (UTC)He doesn't do anything alone, and that is a surprising realization. Even his treasonous ploys go through a handful of people. Committee. He values other's opinions because while in the past he'd do whatever he felt like on a whim, consequences be damned, he can't anymore.
Whatever happens to him affects the rest of them, one way or another. Whatever happens to any of them. Whatever they do.
And that matters now.] Yeah? [A chuckle.] And how'd he take that?
no subject
Date: 2023-06-05 06:04 pm (UTC)We didn't talk long. He did mention you hurt him, but now how. He seemed like a kind person and very young, I think he would have opened up.
[ Perhaps too naive, and willing to make some kind of peace with the father who disappointed him, but that isn't always a bad thing. Second chances happen for a reason. Lucifer has made the most of the ones he got. He leans his head on top of Lucifer's briefly, looking out at Thorne. ]
I am truly sorry, Lucifer. The situation we're in, even with its upsides, can be terribly unfair.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 01:59 am (UTC)He sighs. An exhalation of being, pushed out. Bone-limp. The only movement is still his hands and fingers, held down between his knees, the thread constantly in motion.
Under the outside, over the second, pick up the third. Under, over, pick up. Under, over...] I don't like acceptance. [Shocker. Accepting that Jack is gone, that he never really had a chance, that their control is so frail, that this was ultimately just a blip of a moment in time.]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 02:23 am (UTC)[ It's something Istredd agrees with strongly, so he thinks he probably had a good read on Jack. It's unfortunate that neither of them really got the chance to do the kind of healing they deserved. The closure they might have been able to find. Would it have hurt more to have that time and then lose it, or early before any of it happened? He's in the camp of having it even briefly is better than not. Considering their entire relationship.
He lets Lucifer do whatever he wants with his hands, it's clearly a coping mechanism of some kind, one that Istredd doesn't recognize. ]
I know. [ After being powerless and stuck for billions of years, any feeling of helplessness is bound to trigger him. ] The good news is you don't have to do it right away. It's okay to be upset and feel whatever you do about it first.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 03:17 am (UTC)Abraxas doesn't have the same beauty as Earth but that's also 100% biased.
Eventually, meaningfully, doesn't need to be said but he says it anyway:] Sorry I threw a ball of energy near your head. [Basically at his head. But. Semantics.]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 04:12 am (UTC)But sitting there with him, watching the sunset, it's lovely visually, if deeply melancholic.
It doesn't need to be said but Istredd's glad that he did. Lucifer is getting fairly good at apologies, thanks to his practice. He hmms and runs his hand up and down Lucifer's spine. ]
We both know it was at me. It was a fitting time to attempt self-sabotage on us, but you know how stubborn I am.
[ Lucifer was pushing at him, trying to provoke him, and Istredd assumes he is always testing boundaries, looking for weak spots. Doubtful that Istredd's love is absolute so close to running away. Istredd was a target who pushed Lucifer when he snarled. Lucifer's communicated before how much he's afraid of hurting him accidentally, hurting him intentionally would take extreme feelings. Like today. He's not afraid.]
Apology appreciated. I'm not mad. I wanted to give you an outlet.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 04:32 am (UTC)It could've been anyone on the other end to provoke the same reaction. The difference is there's no certainty that anyone else wouldn't have just backed down and not come after him later, or ever again. He was, maybe, banking on that stubbornness of Istredd's.] Technically your plan achieved the right results. [There is the barest lilt of humor to the words, tentative.] ... Just some off-kilter means to get there.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 01:01 pm (UTC)The point was to let you be mad. I don't want you to explode later. You'd regret it. You can always do that in the Horizon safely.
[ If he would have eventually emotionally exploded later because of their feelings for each other, it seems obvious it would be much bigger and harder at the loss of Jack. The last thing Lucifer needs is to get mad at anyone around him and cause mayhem in the castle. Istredd's always quick to get his back when he can. ]
I'm glad you're talking about it with me and not blocking.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 09:13 pm (UTC)Or maybe that's just a Lucifer Problem.]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 09:25 pm (UTC)[ Istredd smiles wryly and bumps Lucifer's shoulder with his. ]
I also know that while it's not the same thing ... you have Wilhelm and Kell here. And you've been good to them. Chosen family can be stronger than blood. [ A pause. ] Or grace, if that's the equivalent of blood for you.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 09:44 pm (UTC)[He somehow manages to be both serious and not.
He does have them and it is part of the many reasons he didn't want to do anything with Jack. He'd already put in the hard labor for
raisingdealing with a teenager. One was waaaay bad enough for his sanity.] Logistically? ... Scientifically? I guess grace.no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 10:00 pm (UTC)[ Their friendship formed in the strength it is now in part because Istredd was a non-judgmental listener and was easy to bounce ideas and feelings off of for Lucifer. In exchange, Lucifer encouraged him to be stronger and less isolated.
Istredd thinks he probably could have built a rapport with Jack given the time, but it wouldn't take away from the relationships he already made with the 'kids.' He can grieve that loss while also seeing what he does have. ]
Right so they don't have to be full of grace to be yours.
in the mental outtake of my mind: Lucifer just pushes Istredd off the wall: The End, credits roll
Date: 2023-06-06 10:48 pm (UTC)Oh they are definitely not full of grace. [He says it with an amused laugh, pointedly using the other meaning of grace. It's the first thing he's spoken aloud since Istredd found him up here, a testament of his exhaustion more than anything else.]
LOL RIP
Date: 2023-06-06 11:13 pm (UTC)[ Istredd's already grumped a few times about how attractive he finds Lucifer when he's being annoying. They like getting under each other's skin, it's just how this goes. He smiles at the remark and then gets a sudden realization. ]
Oh that's what you meant by us both being graceless in Hayle.
[ At the time he wasn't thinking much since they were stripping their clothes off, but he is still learning what Grace means in particular, although he thinks he has a much better idea now. If it's somewhat blood or DNA or something like that for angels, spiritually. Lucifer had laughed when he said it but he hadn't gotten the reference.
He turns his head to kiss Lucifer's cheek gently.]
You're exhausted. Do you want to go to bed? I can bring you food this time.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 12:52 am (UTC)He continues to chortle, pressing a lazy kiss where his head rests and lets the laughter feed through him for a little bit before answering.] Yeah, you know. Yeah. That's a good idea.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 01:07 am (UTC)You hadn't talked about grace in detail! And I wasn't going to stop what we were doing to ask.
[ He was very focused at the time on getting his hands on Lucifer. Istredd chuckles and keeps an arm around him, pulling him close for something much closer to a full out hug. He kisses his head again and lets his nose dive into his hair for a few seconds, breathing him in. The love he has for this angel is unparalleled. ]
Cover yourself in our blankets and you don't have to come out until you want to.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 01:58 am (UTC)Kindly?
Kindly.]
So I was certain I had, I've lost track of everything you know and don't know! [Considering that Istredd likely knows more than anyone about angels in general, not even just Lucifer. They need like. A diagram. A mental checklist. But then, Lucifer doesn't know what would go on it.
He's just being. Just is. He doesn't know how to break it down for another person.] I bet you I could have explained in great [he pushes into Istredd's grip] excruciating detail and still not put a dent in the mood. [But hiding away under a mountain of blankets for a little while does sound appealing. He'll have to really deal with other aspects of this at some point. Talking to people, eugh. But it can wait.]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 02:11 am (UTC)[ Istredd will never get tired of learning about him. He's like that with everything that fascinates him. He doesn't get bored like other people do, he just keeps searching, keeps learning. He knows a lot about angels now and he sorts out whatever he learns to the side. Istredd casually referring to them as being close for centuries, if they stay here, is not even thought about. He doesn't really get over people. ]
You could have, yes. I was very in the moment.
[ He flusters and then chuckles. Istredd had wanted Lucifer a long time at that point, he was starving for him at that point. He's not certain what could have broken the mood but he's glad nothing did. He squeezes his arm around Lucifer in a half-hug. ]
All the blankets, food, something to drink, what else do you want?
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 02:40 am (UTC)I don't need anything else, really. Just blankets. [The logic center of his brain wants him to say silence. To be left alone. Maybe just that innate familiarity, calling out for normalization.
He wants to be considered a logical being, but anyone that knows him knows what a load of crap that is. Since the Dawn of Creation he's been an emotional creature.
So the rest of the answer comes just as quick, no actual thought, no actual hesitation.] Just you. [....... pause.] ... If you're quiet.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 02:56 am (UTC)[ He will keep all that knowledge for himself, thanks. Istredd's a little greedy when it comes to being Lucifer's Special One. He is kidding though. (Mostly.)
He does really intend on getting a list and taking care of Lucifer that way, and he would have left him alone if that's what he asked for without taking it personally. His heart aches from that admission and he nods, kissing the top of his head again.]
I'll be quiet, I promise.
[ Most people would call Istredd very quiet. It's only certain people who know that he sometimes never shuts up. He finally lets them unravel their limbs from basically clinging to each other, since when they go to their bed they basically just do the same thing.]
wrap here?
Date: 2023-06-07 04:00 am (UTC)That is how they find themselves back in their room, Lucifer a useless lump covered in blankets (and Istredd), out like a light.
He'll show Istredd how to play Cat's Cradle some other time, when he actually works out the 'how' behind two players (because he's never had a partner) and when he's not hurting from whatever reasons the loss of Jack hit him with.]
Perfect! awww cat's cradle for two
Date: 2023-06-07 04:26 am (UTC)