Then consider my first lesson well passed, my body was certainly corrupted.
[That had been the first time, and he can't believe he has to make that distinction. He rakes his hands through his hair and shakes his head.]
I don't even really remember those months. I remember...being sick. Sicker than I've ever been in my life. And voices. There were voices. Inside.
[Not that he can remember anything they'd said. Or if anything actually had been said, or if it had been whispers in the wind. Just mad muttering. So much is a blur.]
It's what clued folks into the fact I may...have the talent, so to speak. That sort of thing uses a person up in days, maybe a couple of weeks if they're lucky. I was months in its grips, it had something to feed on in me. Something big and powerful.
You don't remember them consciously, but your body does. And I think, subconsciously, your mind has been trying to protect you from the place the corruption brought you to, from the trauma.
[ Istredd moves his chair closer to Mat. They went through trauma together themselves in the Pit, but Mat's trauma began long before that. And in a way, so did Istredd's, he's just lived long past it at this point. It's far more recent to Mat, and he's young, untrained. He has been doing a lot of good work learning, but in the end, it's not going to be enough. ]
I know you have good reasons to be afraid of channeling but listen to me.
[ He reaches out to put a hand on Mat's shoulder, solid and real, attempting to be warm, to be reassuring. ]
We are not in your sphere. The same rules don't apply. You are surrounded by mages and by people who care for you here. Whatever big and powerful is in you, it's alright to be afraid of it, but you can trust us to have your back. This block can only be broken by you.
[Well, that does all sound reasonable and sensible. It makes perfect sense to Mat, he supposes, listening to Istredd's explanation. He can't really argue that his experience with the dagger hadn't fucked him up horribly.
But he hasn't the faintest idea what to do about it.]
How?
[What is he supposed to do to break through it? He knows all the things Istredd is saying. He knows he's safe - reasonably - here. That he's in a place that can handle any unexpected bursts out of him. But just knowing that doesn't seem to be doing any good.]
I really thought I'd gotten over being that afraid of my own power.
You aren't afraid of your magic to the point of where you are now, which is a good thing. You got that far.
[ It still is a success. Mat has found a balance that he could at least live with. Now it's about getting past it. Istredd gets up from his seat and puts a hand on Mat's arm. The psychological process of accepting this has been thrown out there, but it won't matter if he can't actually kick down the block. So they have to do that. ]
We're going to test it out. I want you to pick a spell that you feel good about but you haven't been able to push past a certain point.
[ He doesn't want Mat to go right for a spell that makes him uncomfortable. If it starts with an element he feels confident with, it'll be easier to come down from. He steps back so they have the classroom space again to work in. ]
When you feel the block, let me know, and I'll try to get you past it.
The man has brought him far, and has an easy and quiet approach that Mat appreciates. Very used to a much harder hand, a supportive and encouraging environment has done wonders for him. But still he's nervous. of course he is.
If he makes it through this block on his abilities, then what? Then he has all of this power, and he is in agreement with Moiraine-Sedai. He is not the sort of person who ought to have power. But he supposes that's for Thorne and his teachers to deal with.]
Alright.
[Something he feels good about. Well...he supposes that means ice. It's always come easiest to him, for reasons he couldn't begin to guess. This isn't about precision or showing off his fine control of his little spells, so he doesn't bother with that. He just concentrates, hands moving to help him, gathering molecules of water in the air into the empty center of the room. He goes slow and carefully, keeping his breathing steady.
Normally he only gathers a small bit of moisture, finding it difficult to do anything big. This time he doesn't stop. He keeps going, a squat column of water beginning to form.]
[ Istredd doesn't need to be using his empathy to know that Mat is nervous, but he is trying, and that is the difference. He would have refused before or barely gotten this far, but he is willing. That corner has been turned and now it's about pushing him over the last step. He would disagree with Moraine-Sedai about Mat. The boy has given him all kinds of reasons to trust him with power through experience. The worst teachers are those who don't believe in their charges.
He watches him creating the water; he suspected ice and water would be the instinctive response, which is good. Istredd is comfortable with that element. Istredd creates a shield inside of the room and makes it visible that he's doing it, so Mat feels that he has a safety net. He doesn't have to be afraid of going too far, they're in a bubble. ]
I'm here with you, Mat. I know you can do this.
[ Istredd creates water in the air the same way. He builds the moisture on his end and it is an example of someone with slightly more mastery with how much easier it is for him, but he also doesn't have any blocks. Still, he holds his water. ]
[ It's such a strange feeling. Mat knows there's more power to call on, can feel it, but touching it...
It's fine. It's alright. Istredd is in control of everything. Nothing can go wrong. The worst that could happen is they both get drenched. He keeps repeating those sentiments to himself, convincing him of their truth.
Still, it's a struggle. He reaches to take it as Istredd instructs and it feels like too much. There's no smooth flowing, no easy handoff. Mat wrestles with with the weight of it, like a man trying to lift something too heavy for him. But he strains for it. He knows he can, he should be able to...
An audible groan escapes him. He's beginning to sweat. But he doesn't let go, and little by little he starts to take on some of what Istredd is gathering.
I know it's hard, but it'll get easier. We haven't pushed this far before.
[ Istredd usually takes him in very small steps and this is more like an entire leap. He wouldn't do it if he didn't think Mat could handle it. Or that it wasn't necessary. It is. Sometimes this is the only way. ]
Yennefer went through something similar, when we were young. She's always had power, but channeling it wasn't always easy, her breakthrough came later than others.
[ Yennefer probably won't appreciate him giving a little bit away of her, but she'll understand too, when she gets his reason for it. Mat respects her, looks up to her. She is one of the most powerful mages here and that's without her natural-born Chaos, when she gets it back, it'll be a big difference. If she went through a struggle like his, he can get through it too, and become like her. ]
You're almost there, Mat. Believe that you can do it. See your way through this and reach for it.
[There's a great deal of difference between his little ice sculptures and frozen patches and this. Even the feel of it, the physical strain. Like struggling to lift a too-heavy rock with bare hands. But a rock that's only a bit too heavy, one that rocks and teases as though it will be lifted.
Under it all, the old fears linger. That he, Mat Cauthon, could truly do anything of note, anything worthy of praise. That he, a fool and a coward, could ever even think to try and wield power like this. It's not for him. Whatever power in him is dark and vile and will use him instead. Like everything else, if he truly touches this power it will turn rotten and dangerous.
But Istredd's words cut through Mat's own insidious inner voice. The honest encouragement there. This man believes in him. All this time teaching him and Istredd believes in him. Fuck everyone who's called him useless or worthless or good for nothing. He'll show them.
Focusing on that, he does his best to follow the instructions. Reach for it. Grab that power he can feel, take it in his metaphorical hands and hold it fast. He calls on every little scrap of advice everyone has ever given him - breathing techniques, visualizations, clearing his mind of everything but the task at hand. His mind struggles against the idea, never easily quieted, but he tries to channel that, too, into his efforts.
With an audible cry of exertion, something clicks into place. Sheer force of will and spite and the push of earnestly offered encouragement and support tip something over. Mat takes the weight of the spell, holding the water himself.
At least until he can't hold on, and his control slips but not the strength of the magic.]
Oh shit!
[It's all Mat has time to get out before it all bursts, water exploding everywhere within the containment of Istredd's shielding.]
[ Istredd remembers what it was like to be so frustrated when learning. The problem with magic with Chaos is that there always is an undercurrent of fear. You want to push, but pushing could kill you. So it became a balancing act. He was far more patient as he tried relentlessly until it worked, but he talked Yennefer through her more constant frustration at it not coming easily to her. Now it does, but it takes that lack of fear. She and Mat have similar backgrounds of being treated like dirt too. He can see that in them.
He watches and sees as Mat starts to get it, starts to absorb in what Istredd is pushing at him. It can blow up on both of them, but he is ready for that. Istredd's eyes widen and he smiles when he can almost feel something in Mat snap. He's pushed past the wall and it means the space fills with his power, and Istredd can only keep the protection shielding within their space. So they can't blow out the walls.
It doesn't stop them from getting wet head to toe though, and some of the room as well, but Istredd only ends up laughing as wipes the water from his eyes. They are even brighter blue at the moment and he reaches out to put a hand on Mat's arm. ]
You did it, Mat!
[ So yes he lost control at the end, yes they will probably have to dry off the room before anyone can come in it again, but Istredd isn't focusing on that part. He's focusing on the success. ]
[Mat's stunned for a moment, sopping wet, his hair flat and plastered to his head. He'd done that. Him.
It's not the watery accident he's stunned over, but his initial success. He'd most certainly felt it. All that power, rushing through him like spring melt down the mountain. It's enough to humble even him into silence for a moment.
He manages to nod, ignoring that he's dripping from every limb - not to mention Istredd's in the same state - and that the room is now a mess. He'd made that mess. No, it wasn't the intention, but fuck it, he doesn't care. He felt the moment that dam gave way and he broke through whatever holds he'd placed on himself.]
Uh...sorry.
[He tries to be sheepish. It doesn't work very well.]
Don't be sorry. Magic mishaps are normal while training.
[ Istredd's seen plenty of mistakes much worse than this. He didn't set fire to the castle. It could have been worse. There may be some grumbling but it's part of magic, things not always going perfectly. He'll help them clean it up. It's funny that being soaked head to toe feels like a triumph, but it does. ]
You did. And the world didn't end. It only got a little wet. But you can do it again, you know that now.
[ Istredd thinks this is why teaching has ended up rewarding for him in a way he didn't expect. Wilhelm getting control of his fire, Mat able to push back a serious wall, it's worth all the effort to see them blossom. He smiles at him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-08-08 12:02 am (UTC)Then consider my first lesson well passed, my body was certainly corrupted.
[That had been the first time, and he can't believe he has to make that distinction. He rakes his hands through his hair and shakes his head.]
I don't even really remember those months. I remember...being sick. Sicker than I've ever been in my life. And voices. There were voices. Inside.
[Not that he can remember anything they'd said. Or if anything actually had been said, or if it had been whispers in the wind. Just mad muttering. So much is a blur.]
It's what clued folks into the fact I may...have the talent, so to speak. That sort of thing uses a person up in days, maybe a couple of weeks if they're lucky. I was months in its grips, it had something to feed on in me. Something big and powerful.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-15 12:23 am (UTC)[ Istredd moves his chair closer to Mat. They went through trauma together themselves in the Pit, but Mat's trauma began long before that. And in a way, so did Istredd's, he's just lived long past it at this point. It's far more recent to Mat, and he's young, untrained. He has been doing a lot of good work learning, but in the end, it's not going to be enough. ]
I know you have good reasons to be afraid of channeling but listen to me.
[ He reaches out to put a hand on Mat's shoulder, solid and real, attempting to be warm, to be reassuring. ]
We are not in your sphere. The same rules don't apply. You are surrounded by mages and by people who care for you here. Whatever big and powerful is in you, it's alright to be afraid of it, but you can trust us to have your back. This block can only be broken by you.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-18 06:38 pm (UTC)But he hasn't the faintest idea what to do about it.]
How?
[What is he supposed to do to break through it? He knows all the things Istredd is saying. He knows he's safe - reasonably - here. That he's in a place that can handle any unexpected bursts out of him. But just knowing that doesn't seem to be doing any good.]
I really thought I'd gotten over being that afraid of my own power.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-20 02:05 am (UTC)[ It still is a success. Mat has found a balance that he could at least live with. Now it's about getting past it. Istredd gets up from his seat and puts a hand on Mat's arm. The psychological process of accepting this has been thrown out there, but it won't matter if he can't actually kick down the block. So they have to do that. ]
We're going to test it out. I want you to pick a spell that you feel good about but you haven't been able to push past a certain point.
[ He doesn't want Mat to go right for a spell that makes him uncomfortable. If it starts with an element he feels confident with, it'll be easier to come down from. He steps back so they have the classroom space again to work in. ]
When you feel the block, let me know, and I'll try to get you past it.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-22 06:30 pm (UTC)The man has brought him far, and has an easy and quiet approach that Mat appreciates. Very used to a much harder hand, a supportive and encouraging environment has done wonders for him. But still he's nervous. of course he is.
If he makes it through this block on his abilities, then what? Then he has all of this power, and he is in agreement with Moiraine-Sedai. He is not the sort of person who ought to have power. But he supposes that's for Thorne and his teachers to deal with.]
Alright.
[Something he feels good about. Well...he supposes that means ice. It's always come easiest to him, for reasons he couldn't begin to guess. This isn't about precision or showing off his fine control of his little spells, so he doesn't bother with that. He just concentrates, hands moving to help him, gathering molecules of water in the air into the empty center of the room. He goes slow and carefully, keeping his breathing steady.
Normally he only gathers a small bit of moisture, finding it difficult to do anything big. This time he doesn't stop. He keeps going, a squat column of water beginning to form.]
Starting to feel it a little.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-24 12:45 am (UTC)He watches him creating the water; he suspected ice and water would be the instinctive response, which is good. Istredd is comfortable with that element. Istredd creates a shield inside of the room and makes it visible that he's doing it, so Mat feels that he has a safety net. He doesn't have to be afraid of going too far, they're in a bubble. ]
I'm here with you, Mat. I know you can do this.
[ Istredd creates water in the air the same way. He builds the moisture on his end and it is an example of someone with slightly more mastery with how much easier it is for him, but he also doesn't have any blocks. Still, he holds his water. ]
Take it from me. Contain it. Build it.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-26 09:14 pm (UTC)It's fine. It's alright. Istredd is in control of everything. Nothing can go wrong. The worst that could happen is they both get drenched. He keeps repeating those sentiments to himself, convincing him of their truth.
Still, it's a struggle. He reaches to take it as Istredd instructs and it feels like too much. There's no smooth flowing, no easy handoff. Mat wrestles with with the weight of it, like a man trying to lift something too heavy for him. But he strains for it. He knows he can, he should be able to...
An audible groan escapes him. He's beginning to sweat. But he doesn't let go, and little by little he starts to take on some of what Istredd is gathering.
And still he doesn't let go.]
no subject
Date: 2023-08-29 02:46 am (UTC)[ Istredd usually takes him in very small steps and this is more like an entire leap. He wouldn't do it if he didn't think Mat could handle it. Or that it wasn't necessary. It is. Sometimes this is the only way. ]
Yennefer went through something similar, when we were young. She's always had power, but channeling it wasn't always easy, her breakthrough came later than others.
[ Yennefer probably won't appreciate him giving a little bit away of her, but she'll understand too, when she gets his reason for it. Mat respects her, looks up to her. She is one of the most powerful mages here and that's without her natural-born Chaos, when she gets it back, it'll be a big difference. If she went through a struggle like his, he can get through it too, and become like her. ]
You're almost there, Mat. Believe that you can do it. See your way through this and reach for it.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 10:05 pm (UTC)Under it all, the old fears linger. That he, Mat Cauthon, could truly do anything of note, anything worthy of praise. That he, a fool and a coward, could ever even think to try and wield power like this. It's not for him. Whatever power in him is dark and vile and will use him instead. Like everything else, if he truly touches this power it will turn rotten and dangerous.
But Istredd's words cut through Mat's own insidious inner voice. The honest encouragement there. This man believes in him. All this time teaching him and Istredd believes in him. Fuck everyone who's called him useless or worthless or good for nothing. He'll show them.
Focusing on that, he does his best to follow the instructions. Reach for it. Grab that power he can feel, take it in his metaphorical hands and hold it fast. He calls on every little scrap of advice everyone has ever given him - breathing techniques, visualizations, clearing his mind of everything but the task at hand. His mind struggles against the idea, never easily quieted, but he tries to channel that, too, into his efforts.
With an audible cry of exertion, something clicks into place. Sheer force of will and spite and the push of earnestly offered encouragement and support tip something over. Mat takes the weight of the spell, holding the water himself.
At least until he can't hold on, and his control slips but not the strength of the magic.]
Oh shit!
[It's all Mat has time to get out before it all bursts, water exploding everywhere within the containment of Istredd's shielding.]
sorry for the wait the mingle set up took a bit
Date: 2023-09-11 01:09 am (UTC)He watches and sees as Mat starts to get it, starts to absorb in what Istredd is pushing at him. It can blow up on both of them, but he is ready for that. Istredd's eyes widen and he smiles when he can almost feel something in Mat snap. He's pushed past the wall and it means the space fills with his power, and Istredd can only keep the protection shielding within their space. So they can't blow out the walls.
It doesn't stop them from getting wet head to toe though, and some of the room as well, but Istredd only ends up laughing as wipes the water from his eyes. They are even brighter blue at the moment and he reaches out to put a hand on Mat's arm. ]
You did it, Mat!
[ So yes he lost control at the end, yes they will probably have to dry off the room before anyone can come in it again, but Istredd isn't focusing on that part. He's focusing on the success. ]
Did you feel it? The moment it worked?
No worries!
Date: 2023-09-13 12:53 am (UTC)It's not the watery accident he's stunned over, but his initial success. He'd most certainly felt it. All that power, rushing through him like spring melt down the mountain. It's enough to humble even him into silence for a moment.
He manages to nod, ignoring that he's dripping from every limb - not to mention Istredd's in the same state - and that the room is now a mess. He'd made that mess. No, it wasn't the intention, but fuck it, he doesn't care. He felt the moment that dam gave way and he broke through whatever holds he'd placed on himself.]
Uh...sorry.
[He tries to be sheepish. It doesn't work very well.]
But I did it!
no subject
Date: 2023-09-16 12:53 am (UTC)[ Istredd's seen plenty of mistakes much worse than this. He didn't set fire to the castle. It could have been worse. There may be some grumbling but it's part of magic, things not always going perfectly. He'll help them clean it up. It's funny that being soaked head to toe feels like a triumph, but it does. ]
You did. And the world didn't end. It only got a little wet. But you can do it again, you know that now.
[ Istredd thinks this is why teaching has ended up rewarding for him in a way he didn't expect. Wilhelm getting control of his fire, Mat able to push back a serious wall, it's worth all the effort to see them blossom. He smiles at him. ]
I'm proud of you, Mat.