Kell didn't start helping Nott because he liked them, or because he truly cared. No. He started it to spite the crown. As his own way of showing that Thorne's royal family is being shitty at their job. Everything else later Thorne's unhinged Queen had done has caused him to double down.
Nott had nothing to do with it. They had no say in it. Oh, he's been helping Rhy, because the infirmary in Nott was Rhy's pet project. Because Rhy is the one who cares. So Istredd's praise feels unearned to him.
This is the first time that Kell went to Lyle Vela with actual offer of help. His own. Even if he still hid behind Rhy's name. Said nothing that he was the one who killed the monster in the lake. The monster was his own fight, and nobody needed to praise him or criticize him for how he dealt with it. Kell knew there was plenty to criticize. It could have been done faster, and cleaner. For days he found holes in his fight with it. Until it almost felt impossible that the charred corpse at the bottom of the lake was actually his doing. But it was. Sadly, not the only reminder that it all really happened.
All this is why Istredd's words catch him by surprise. Eyes wide, brows furrowed, he stares speechless at Istredd. Allies? He came to ask for help. Took him crazy amount of time to battle his pride and muster the courage. This is not what he expected. Istredd has seen right through him, and instead of scolding him, he said We can make this a group effort. Kell bites his lip, shakes his head a little blinking to chase away the blurriness in his vision. Utterly stunned, again, how it feels to have an older, more experienced mage care enough to tell him he doesn't have to do everything himself. They can do it together.
"Thank you. I could not think there were others. I thought, eh, I thought this was the only one. Sorry."
"We have several people here in Thorne who would probably be glad to help you. Both to help Nott and also to give themselves something to do." Life in the castle can be a little dull unless you like the dull things, like Istredd does. He knows that others need distractions and helping other people could kill two birds with one stone. "Adora, for example, and Jill, Clive. They're new, it would do them good to get out there more, and they're strong."
Istredd keeps an eye on all the new people, that's what he's here to do. He hasn't met their newest member quite yet, but he will once he gets a chance.
"And, it would do you good to get help from others, because I'm not going to let you bleed out for no reason." Istredd is past his hard month so he's back to his ways with problem-solving and connecting people together. Yes, technically the two of them could handle this, but there's no reason it has to be only the two of them.
He reaches out to pat Kell on the shoulder reassuringly. It's always a callback to Stregobor making him feel better, but at least with him, it's meant well, and not out of manipulation. "What will it take to get you to stop apologizing to me? Because none of this is a burden, I'm always happy to help you."
Kell can't hide it, not from Istredd, how wholly unenthusiastic he feels about getting help from other people. New people especially. As if they were taking something away from him. As if Istredd didn't believe Kell alone is capable enough for the task and he needs crutches.
"But I can do this myself. I killed the beast in the lake, didn't I?"
And promptly blacked out in the boat right after panicking Rhy and everyone around. Forcing them to haul him to the shore and wait until he wakes up. If he even wakes up. But Kell is anything if not stubborn, and after two years of virtual anonymity he craves recognition. What else was his stupid book stunt if not a way of getting people to see him? Even if he's not aware of it himself.
He shudders at the touch. If this was someone other than Istredd, Kell would have just stormed out of the room. With Istredd, he just sulks.
"Then help me. Don't try to rope in other people, as if I can't do this."
So they can take all the credit because they're better looking, and nicer, and people like them more.
Istredd is very good at picking up on mood swings and he knows that a moment ago Kell seemed positive about getting help, and now it seems like he doesn't want it. And also he's sulking, which Istredd can observe for himself, which only makes him concerned.
"It's not a question about whether you can. You can do a lot of things, and I'm not doubting that. But you don't have to do everything alone, nor should you."
He considers before continuing. He sees a lot of himself in Kell, he has for a while. Lucifer does too, like the boy is some kind of amalgam of the two of them. Not to say he isn't an individual, because he is, but it is easy to see traits in common. That is part of what drew Stregobor to him in the first place.
"You know, I used to prefer doing everything alone. I still sometimes miss it, because at least I could always count on myself, letting other people do it when they could mess it up, that's harder. But it's better too, it meant I didn't carry the weight of the world at all times. Being here taught me that."
Istredd was too isolated back in his sphere. He was far apart from everyone, and it's not as if getting new memories changed that. He went back to the mages but only because he had to look for the book. Before that he was still doing everything by himself. Teamwork is still a new concept to him too.
"I also really, really hate when people imply that I'm not competent enough. So I get you're being defensive, but I'm not attacking you or your competency. I'm saying there's nothing wrong with bonding with other people in a common goal."
Kell shrinks, sinking into himself under the weight of Istredd's very gentle, but also very appropriate chiding. This is already unusual level of trust for him. To say and show so much of his turmoil. That's the difference, with Istredd Kell knows he's being heard and understood both by someone older, with more experience, but also someone who was in a similar situation. Istredd's word are just more proof if he needed it.
"I know," Kell admits. Slowly, hesitantly, but there's no way around it. Istredd is right. "It's just... what if they mess it up?"
When he looks up, the burning purpose, tainted by no small amount of desperation, burns brightly in his eyes.
"I have only once chance. People of Nott are too proud. They won't ask."
And the crown would leave to starve. Helping means effort, people, resources, and crown has none to spare on Nott.
"We'll be there, you and I, and we'll make sure it doesn't get messed up. Just because other people get involved, doesn't mean you aren't in charge. This was your idea so you can direct it." They can get help from others and then Kell can order them around, if that makes him feel better about it. Istredd isn't concerned, he will be there to help out, but this is also about keeping Kell from hurting himself.
"All the more reason for us to be careful and smart. We've always come to help Nott when they need it, asked or not." Istredd's done it himself several times now. It's nice to have something physical to do sometimes, a way to help that can make it easier to sleep at night. Being in Thorne is difficult.
"I'm glad you asked me to come so I could look out for you, but this is me looking out for you. I want us to help them but I also want you to be safe."
Saints! How he needs responsible people he'd actually listen to! The kind that won't lambast him for being over-dramatic, even if he is, but steer him away from taking everything as point of pride. Because Istredd understands, and takes time to truly hear him out, complete with all of his irrational hangups and concerns, is the sole reason why Kell listens to him in turn.
"No. I mean, yes, you're right. I'm so used to doing everything on my own that I don't even think that I..." He blunders through a reply, shudders, then eventually looks at Istredd and smiles. "I don't have to. Thanks."
Kell lets himself exhale. He did not realize how tightly wound he was around this issue. How much he expected an opposition, a fight even, being told off and having to defend his case. None of this has happened, and it's eerie.
"You're right. It's probably best to get more people on this."
The thing stops being his own thing to brag about, but more of a communal effort. Kell is not big on communal effort, but he can learn. He's constantly learning here, and Istredd is - with all due respect to Yennefer - his best teacher.
"I learned that lesson here too, Kell, and it was freeing in many ways. It led me to make connections like ours."
He and Kell weren't close in the start of his time here so the boy not know how isolated Istredd was in the start. If it wasn't for Lucifer dragging him out of the library, the one here and in the Horizon, it would have taken longer for him to make connections. He was so focused on the mysteries, and he still is, but he sees the human element of it all more clearly now. He's been much less reckless than he was in the start too.
"I also had a difficult mentor who made me simultaneously righteous about my skills and uncertain of my worth. I assume that's why you react this way, because it's how I did, at your age." It can sometimes be forgotten, how old Istredd actually is. It's been decades since he was Kell's age, a long time for him to find his path and to settle into himself, and to come to grips with the experiences he had as a youth.
He sees so much of himself in Kell. And that is why he worries for him. Istredd wonders what his life would be like if he did have a more positive figure in his life early on, how much it might have changed the influence Stregobor had on him. He wants to be that for Kell, what he didn't have.
Kell wants to say 'I wish I'd known you sooner', but then he realizes that no, it doesn't work that way. It is only now that they can have this conversation the way it's going down. It's only now that Istredd can tell him all this and he listens. They didn't get along in the beginning.
At first, Istredd was just Lucifer's roommate to Kell. Kell was pretty blind to whatever it was that they were having then, and he was fine with his ignorance. Then it dawns on him how much he had changed in this short span of time. The Black Night remains that one event that changed him the most, but the greatest shift in the conditions for what can and will happen to him, is here. And honestly, it's fucking terrifying.
"Yeah, it's kind of like that. I'm Antari, and I was always told that means I am special. I cannot fuck up. I'm supposed to be good at everything. Most of the time, I actually was. But there were things I wasn't good at. There were times I did fuck up, and when I did it always felt that I failed at being Antari. That it wasn't just 'oh I'm not good at this one thing' or 'I made a stupid mistake because I'm young and stupid'. It was always 'how could you' and 'you should have known better'."
Meeting Holland didn't help. Now, that he looks at it; that Istredd made him look. Now, he sees it's all this dumb competition against himself, and Holland. Even far away from the people it mattered to the most.
Suddenly, the realization strikes him and he looks up at Istredd.
"I don't want this to be about me and how cool I am. I want to be more like Rhy. I want this to be about people we're doing this for."
"We all fuck up, and I'm sorry you got this far in your life not being allowed to be okay with that. No one is perfect. And no one can be good at everything." He thinks about how Lucifer pointed out he doesn't have to be excellent at everything and his baffled look back, like of course he has to be! But being here has taught him a lot of things about a healthier way of being, both with others and with himself. And everyone here has helped him get there, including Kell. He never thought he'd take someone under his wing, it was impossible in his mind before.
"That's a good start but ... Kell, please take this in the way it's meant, which is of care." He cares about Kell. All of what he is saying here comes from that place. "I think you put far too much on Rhy and what he wants and needs, and neglect yourself and your own independence. I think it's important for you to also be an individual, and you haven't been raised that way, but it's time for you to think about that." He means this kindly and he knows it's a complicated topic, it's not as simple as it is usually.
"I love Lucifer a great deal, and we are a good pair, but we are very much our own person with our own interests and motivations. Yennefer and I have known each other since we were children, and while we're a partnership, we have our own lives." Istredd is involved with two people, one on a more constant domestic level where they share everything, Lucifer, and another with a long history and working together, Yennefer.
"I think it's important for his end too, and that it doesn't feel to either of you like everything has to revolve around the other. You are two people, not one, and should be allowed to live that way."
this is going to kick him soooo much down the road
This is not a conversation that Kell is ready to have. He can agree to share his plan and his idea, but questioning his relationship with Rhy is never going to go well with him. Or at least not yet. It's not Rhy's fault, nor even his wish. It just is -- complicated. More complicated now that it has ever been before.
Kell won't argue he doesn't want to be independent. Quite the contrary. But also what happened to Rhy was at least partially his fault. While Kell did what he could, what no one else but him could have done, to fix it. He saved Rhy, but he also made their situation more complicated. They were already connected by more than just the bond Singularity replaced.
"But we do!" he protests. "I have my own thing, he has his. We're perfectly fine as is. And I'm not doing this for him. I just want to do it for right reasons."
The scariest part is that Kell truly believes what he says. But then there still is a barely healed scar on Rhy's forearm, and the fact that Kell would drop everything he does, all of his plans for Rhy at the slightest pretext. They're more intertwined that he's aware of.
"Kell I'm not just talking about recently. I've been watching you two for over a year now." Istredd may not have been close to them all that time ago, but he's a very observant person. He kept an eye on everyone from an outside perspective until he was drawn into a more personal perspective. If anything, his observation only seemed more true the closer he got.
It's a complicated situation because he doesn't want it to seem like a criticism of either of them, family will always be important. He doesn't have one of them, but he does understand, considering he now has one in Thorne. He would put his life on the line for any of them; he did almost die for them in the Pit, and he'll never regret that.
"I'm concerned the way you see the world and the way you value yourself is all about another person. You aren't the supporting player of your own life, you are the lead in your own story. And I'm saying that as someone who has been there." Istredd still struggles with his mindset of other people having more value than himself. He isn't saying this from a place of looking down at it, he's seeing himself in the situation and saying what he wishes he would have heard.
"Maybe you have your own things, but you don't value them more than what his things are, do you? I care about both of you, this is not an attack on your relationship, what I'm saying is you need to be able to live without him. You need your own life and to value that life for your own future. Because around here, everything can change in an instant."
Kell looks away, and Istredd can watch in real time how his muscles tense, his jaw sets, slowly, but surely clamming up in reaction to criticism. It is in the best intentions, and it is very true, but Kell doesn't see this. He doesn't want to see or hear any of it.
"I have my studies, the teashop and my writing. Neither of those thing have anything to do with Rhy. We live together, but we don't sit on each other's backs day in and day out. He's not even in my book."
But it doesn't matter, does it? Those are all things Kell would drop for Rhy at moment's notice. No matter how much he protests about it now.
"I have, and I do." He's just being contrarian now. "And I would really appreciate if everyone stop telling me what I should and shouldn't want. I think I can figure it out for myself well enough."
Telling him he can't have things he wants when he was home. Telling him he should want things now that he is here and he can. That what he wants is never right. It was not right then, it is not right now. Even if those are not the same things. Even if his clutching to Rhy is as much about Rhy himself, as it is about Kell being terrified by how little he knows who he even is without Rhy.
Istredd observes him quietly and lets him say his piece on the subject. "There are times when having an opinion from someone outside of a situation can be illuminating. I know it's helped me before." And it isn't like Istredd always enjoys it. There are times he's been very annoyed when someone points out something he doesn't want to acknowledge. Just ask Lucifer, often the source of him getting grumpy about apt observations. But they've always helped him see things more clearly.
Kell may not be able to do that presently though. He is still very young. He hasn't gone through decades of experience that makes someone more open to outside perspectives. Sometimes a person gets more defensive and incapable of change with time, but for the wise, it's the opposite.
"But if this is how you feel, I can't change that. I just want you to be happy, Kell." But Kell is not happy. Istredd can see that clearly. That could be for any number of reasons but it is not his place to try and control how that happens. "Never forget that I care for you."
It would have been so easy to protest. To say he knows what he's doing, to insist, resist and do it his way unless forced otherwise. Like he always did. With Istredd, there's nothing to resist. Istredd does not reprimand him, he does not order him to this way or the other. He's not visibly angry, or disappointed, or irritated. He's calm, and he listens to everything Kell has to say.
And that throws Kell off enough so he does not immediately follow his usually habit of stubbornly digging his heels. He swallows, blinks, bites his lower lip, eyes trailing away, suddenly pulled into the moment and the awareness of how much different Istredd is from all the figures of authority in his life. Aware enough that it gives him pause.
"I..." he starts, swallows, clears his throat. Still unable to look at Istredd, even when he finally continues. "I know... and I believe you. And I know you know how much Rhy means to me. But I am my own person. I really am. You don't have to worry I'll do something stupid. Really."
"It's not that I think you'll do something stupid, I think you don't value yourself as highly as you need to. And not value in terms of what you're capable of, like your magic, which I know you've been told is important in the service of others. But you're more than your magic and your use to others." It is so much easier to see this in someone else than in himself, but that's part of why he does understand. Istredd sighs and decides the better approach is personal.
"I was raised in a similar way." He knows he has discussed this with Kell but it's relevant. "With the Brotherhood, you were expected your entire life to be loyal, to only live for it. When they called, you came, no matter what. Even those who thought they were rebellious, they came when fingers were snapped at them. What we could do for them, it was the only thing that mattered." Istredd got away but did he? He got away to do his studies but it was for them, he got to avoid courts and active participation back home, but none of his money was his, everything he earned was branched from their influence.
"It's led me to struggle with finding value in myself separate from that. Someone else is always more important, some cause is always bigger than me." Istredd has created his own bigger causes, and identified the people he considers more important, and he still has an instinct to think about that first. "It's taken a lot of work on other people's part to try and change that mindset." It drives Lucifer insane.
"But I see that in you and it worries me, because you're so young, Kell. I don't want you to waste decades like I did thinking your only value is what other people can take from you. You're as important as Rhy is, Kell."
Despite Istredd's best efforts Kell just shrinks into himself. Thing is, he's not fully human. In Arnes, most people saw only the Antari. Here, most people see only the human. Alien, yes, a Summoned, but mostly human. Few people see both. Lucifer did, Sabine does, and Istredd should too. Nothing made it more painfully obvious how inhuman he can be than the weeks they spent in the pit. Deprived of his magic Kell was dying there. Istredd has seen him there, he should know. So how can he say that he has some other intrinsic value other than that?
"But I am my magic. It's as much me as ... well, whatever the rest is, or what it is ever for."
Herein lies the problem. He never paid attention to that rest. Not that he had freedom to. Most of what he did was in line or against the expectations others had for him. In reaction, no matter positive or negative, to other people thoughts and opinions. What he wanted was in opposition to limitations his adopted parents had put on him. It felt good to bend or even break the rules.
"I don't see how I can separate myself from it, and if it can be useful, if I can be useful, I'd rather it be for someone I really care about. It's not importance, I just can do things for Rhy that he cannot do himself so why wouldn't I?"
But did you ask him, Kell? Did you? Did you ask him if he wants your sacrifice? To share your life with him in a way that felt so unbreakable and final. At least until Singularity. He didn't. He just dropped his future into the fire like it meant nothing. Like he's always willing to drop things for Rhy. Whether Rhy asks him for it or not. Sometimes even when he doesn't want him to...
"I love my magic, my magic is me. I was born with it, for it. It is as much my identity as it is to you. It's not about magic." Istredd being a mage is his first sense of self. It came with the highest price though. The price of being taken away from what life he might have had, the price of being threatened and emotionally tortured and controlled by the head mages. It's still difficult thinking about the Brotherhood. Their destruction is so recent.
"Why can't he do things for himself?" Istredd tilts his head, eyes piercing. "He has access to magic now, like the rest of us. What rules applied in your sphere don't matter here. Rhy doesn't need you to sacrifice everything for him because he's capable of taking care of himself." Istredd's always thought of Rhy as a very competent person, perhaps with a healthier point of view about what is his responsibility and what is not.
"Have you spoken to him about all of this? Believe me when I say a lot of miscommunication in a relationship can be a death knell." Istredd and Yennefer were apart for decades because of their issues, and even when they met again they weren't good at talking to each other. All of the struggles Lucifer and him have gone through are because of miscommunication, they're not great at it, but they're learning.
"I'm not saying you're doing anything bad or wrong, it's more that you can find more happiness if you reach for it."
Always shielded him from harm, even from the slightest inconvenience. Always gave in to his wildest whims. Even the last one that turned out pretty disastrous on its own. He does not finish his sentence. It's enough that Istredd said it out loud.
What if Rhy really doesn't need him? He'd rather not know, not ask, than learn that's the case.
"Not really," he admits.
It's better now. At least Kell doesn't try to deliberately hide things and doesn't outright lie. It's progress, but they're still not that great in talking to each other about difficult things. What can be more difficult than that? With their history?
"But I am happy."
While true, it's not all that is. Kell just doesn't see it yet.
Istredd studies him quietly, extrapolating a few things that Kell's not saying out loud, and/or not even able to communicate to himself yet. "Well I recommend you do talk to him. And I'm glad you're happy." He suspects it'll take more than him pointing it out to get anywhere. That's something the two of them will have to ultimately figure out for themselves.
"Now let's talk about Nott's pier and what we can do to get it back to itself."
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Nott had nothing to do with it. They had no say in it. Oh, he's been helping Rhy, because the infirmary in Nott was Rhy's pet project. Because Rhy is the one who cares. So Istredd's praise feels unearned to him.
This is the first time that Kell went to Lyle Vela with actual offer of help. His own. Even if he still hid behind Rhy's name. Said nothing that he was the one who killed the monster in the lake. The monster was his own fight, and nobody needed to praise him or criticize him for how he dealt with it. Kell knew there was plenty to criticize. It could have been done faster, and cleaner. For days he found holes in his fight with it. Until it almost felt impossible that the charred corpse at the bottom of the lake was actually his doing. But it was. Sadly, not the only reminder that it all really happened.
All this is why Istredd's words catch him by surprise. Eyes wide, brows furrowed, he stares speechless at Istredd. Allies? He came to ask for help. Took him crazy amount of time to battle his pride and muster the courage. This is not what he expected. Istredd has seen right through him, and instead of scolding him, he said We can make this a group effort. Kell bites his lip, shakes his head a little blinking to chase away the blurriness in his vision. Utterly stunned, again, how it feels to have an older, more experienced mage care enough to tell him he doesn't have to do everything himself. They can do it together.
"Thank you. I could not think there were others. I thought, eh, I thought this was the only one. Sorry."
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Istredd keeps an eye on all the new people, that's what he's here to do. He hasn't met their newest member quite yet, but he will once he gets a chance.
"And, it would do you good to get help from others, because I'm not going to let you bleed out for no reason." Istredd is past his hard month so he's back to his ways with problem-solving and connecting people together. Yes, technically the two of them could handle this, but there's no reason it has to be only the two of them.
He reaches out to pat Kell on the shoulder reassuringly. It's always a callback to Stregobor making him feel better, but at least with him, it's meant well, and not out of manipulation. "What will it take to get you to stop apologizing to me? Because none of this is a burden, I'm always happy to help you."
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Kell can't hide it, not from Istredd, how wholly unenthusiastic he feels about getting help from other people. New people especially. As if they were taking something away from him. As if Istredd didn't believe Kell alone is capable enough for the task and he needs crutches.
"But I can do this myself. I killed the beast in the lake, didn't I?"
And promptly blacked out in the boat right after panicking Rhy and everyone around. Forcing them to haul him to the shore and wait until he wakes up. If he even wakes up. But Kell is anything if not stubborn, and after two years of virtual anonymity he craves recognition. What else was his stupid book stunt if not a way of getting people to see him? Even if he's not aware of it himself.
He shudders at the touch. If this was someone other than Istredd, Kell would have just stormed out of the room. With Istredd, he just sulks.
"Then help me. Don't try to rope in other people, as if I can't do this."
So they can take all the credit because they're better looking, and nicer, and people like them more.
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"It's not a question about whether you can. You can do a lot of things, and I'm not doubting that. But you don't have to do everything alone, nor should you."
He considers before continuing. He sees a lot of himself in Kell, he has for a while. Lucifer does too, like the boy is some kind of amalgam of the two of them. Not to say he isn't an individual, because he is, but it is easy to see traits in common. That is part of what drew Stregobor to him in the first place.
"You know, I used to prefer doing everything alone. I still sometimes miss it, because at least I could always count on myself, letting other people do it when they could mess it up, that's harder. But it's better too, it meant I didn't carry the weight of the world at all times. Being here taught me that."
Istredd was too isolated back in his sphere. He was far apart from everyone, and it's not as if getting new memories changed that. He went back to the mages but only because he had to look for the book. Before that he was still doing everything by himself. Teamwork is still a new concept to him too.
"I also really, really hate when people imply that I'm not competent enough. So I get you're being defensive, but I'm not attacking you or your competency. I'm saying there's nothing wrong with bonding with other people in a common goal."
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"I know," Kell admits. Slowly, hesitantly, but there's no way around it. Istredd is right. "It's just... what if they mess it up?"
When he looks up, the burning purpose, tainted by no small amount of desperation, burns brightly in his eyes.
"I have only once chance. People of Nott are too proud. They won't ask."
And the crown would leave to starve. Helping means effort, people, resources, and crown has none to spare on Nott.
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"All the more reason for us to be careful and smart. We've always come to help Nott when they need it, asked or not." Istredd's done it himself several times now. It's nice to have something physical to do sometimes, a way to help that can make it easier to sleep at night. Being in Thorne is difficult.
"I'm glad you asked me to come so I could look out for you, but this is me looking out for you. I want us to help them but I also want you to be safe."
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"No. I mean, yes, you're right. I'm so used to doing everything on my own that I don't even think that I..." He blunders through a reply, shudders, then eventually looks at Istredd and smiles. "I don't have to. Thanks."
Kell lets himself exhale. He did not realize how tightly wound he was around this issue. How much he expected an opposition, a fight even, being told off and having to defend his case. None of this has happened, and it's eerie.
"You're right. It's probably best to get more people on this."
The thing stops being his own thing to brag about, but more of a communal effort. Kell is not big on communal effort, but he can learn. He's constantly learning here, and Istredd is - with all due respect to Yennefer - his best teacher.
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He and Kell weren't close in the start of his time here so the boy not know how isolated Istredd was in the start. If it wasn't for Lucifer dragging him out of the library, the one here and in the Horizon, it would have taken longer for him to make connections. He was so focused on the mysteries, and he still is, but he sees the human element of it all more clearly now. He's been much less reckless than he was in the start too.
"I also had a difficult mentor who made me simultaneously righteous about my skills and uncertain of my worth. I assume that's why you react this way, because it's how I did, at your age." It can sometimes be forgotten, how old Istredd actually is. It's been decades since he was Kell's age, a long time for him to find his path and to settle into himself, and to come to grips with the experiences he had as a youth.
He sees so much of himself in Kell. And that is why he worries for him. Istredd wonders what his life would be like if he did have a more positive figure in his life early on, how much it might have changed the influence Stregobor had on him. He wants to be that for Kell, what he didn't have.
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At first, Istredd was just Lucifer's roommate to Kell. Kell was pretty blind to whatever it was that they were having then, and he was fine with his ignorance. Then it dawns on him how much he had changed in this short span of time. The Black Night remains that one event that changed him the most, but the greatest shift in the conditions for what can and will happen to him, is here. And honestly, it's fucking terrifying.
"Yeah, it's kind of like that. I'm Antari, and I was always told that means I am special. I cannot fuck up. I'm supposed to be good at everything. Most of the time, I actually was. But there were things I wasn't good at. There were times I did fuck up, and when I did it always felt that I failed at being Antari. That it wasn't just 'oh I'm not good at this one thing' or 'I made a stupid mistake because I'm young and stupid'. It was always 'how could you' and 'you should have known better'."
Meeting Holland didn't help. Now, that he looks at it; that Istredd made him look. Now, he sees it's all this dumb competition against himself, and Holland. Even far away from the people it mattered to the most.
Suddenly, the realization strikes him and he looks up at Istredd.
"I don't want this to be about me and how cool I am. I want to be more like Rhy. I want this to be about people we're doing this for."
Please, help him. He doesn't know how.
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"That's a good start but ... Kell, please take this in the way it's meant, which is of care." He cares about Kell. All of what he is saying here comes from that place. "I think you put far too much on Rhy and what he wants and needs, and neglect yourself and your own independence. I think it's important for you to also be an individual, and you haven't been raised that way, but it's time for you to think about that." He means this kindly and he knows it's a complicated topic, it's not as simple as it is usually.
"I love Lucifer a great deal, and we are a good pair, but we are very much our own person with our own interests and motivations. Yennefer and I have known each other since we were children, and while we're a partnership, we have our own lives." Istredd is involved with two people, one on a more constant domestic level where they share everything, Lucifer, and another with a long history and working together, Yennefer.
"I think it's important for his end too, and that it doesn't feel to either of you like everything has to revolve around the other. You are two people, not one, and should be allowed to live that way."
this is going to kick him soooo much down the road
Kell won't argue he doesn't want to be independent. Quite the contrary. But also what happened to Rhy was at least partially his fault. While Kell did what he could, what no one else but him could have done, to fix it. He saved Rhy, but he also made their situation more complicated. They were already connected by more than just the bond Singularity replaced.
"But we do!" he protests. "I have my own thing, he has his. We're perfectly fine as is. And I'm not doing this for him. I just want to do it for right reasons."
The scariest part is that Kell truly believes what he says. But then there still is a barely healed scar on Rhy's forearm, and the fact that Kell would drop everything he does, all of his plans for Rhy at the slightest pretext. They're more intertwined that he's aware of.
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It's a complicated situation because he doesn't want it to seem like a criticism of either of them, family will always be important. He doesn't have one of them, but he does understand, considering he now has one in Thorne. He would put his life on the line for any of them; he did almost die for them in the Pit, and he'll never regret that.
"I'm concerned the way you see the world and the way you value yourself is all about another person. You aren't the supporting player of your own life, you are the lead in your own story. And I'm saying that as someone who has been there." Istredd still struggles with his mindset of other people having more value than himself. He isn't saying this from a place of looking down at it, he's seeing himself in the situation and saying what he wishes he would have heard.
"Maybe you have your own things, but you don't value them more than what his things are, do you? I care about both of you, this is not an attack on your relationship, what I'm saying is you need to be able to live without him. You need your own life and to value that life for your own future. Because around here, everything can change in an instant."
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Kell looks away, and Istredd can watch in real time how his muscles tense, his jaw sets, slowly, but surely clamming up in reaction to criticism. It is in the best intentions, and it is very true, but Kell doesn't see this. He doesn't want to see or hear any of it.
"I have my studies, the teashop and my writing. Neither of those thing have anything to do with Rhy. We live together, but we don't sit on each other's backs day in and day out. He's not even in my book."
But it doesn't matter, does it? Those are all things Kell would drop for Rhy at moment's notice. No matter how much he protests about it now.
"I have, and I do." He's just being contrarian now. "And I would really appreciate if everyone stop telling me what I should and shouldn't want. I think I can figure it out for myself well enough."
Telling him he can't have things he wants when he was home. Telling him he should want things now that he is here and he can. That what he wants is never right. It was not right then, it is not right now. Even if those are not the same things. Even if his clutching to Rhy is as much about Rhy himself, as it is about Kell being terrified by how little he knows who he even is without Rhy.
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Kell may not be able to do that presently though. He is still very young. He hasn't gone through decades of experience that makes someone more open to outside perspectives. Sometimes a person gets more defensive and incapable of change with time, but for the wise, it's the opposite.
"But if this is how you feel, I can't change that. I just want you to be happy, Kell." But Kell is not happy. Istredd can see that clearly. That could be for any number of reasons but it is not his place to try and control how that happens. "Never forget that I care for you."
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And that throws Kell off enough so he does not immediately follow his usually habit of stubbornly digging his heels. He swallows, blinks, bites his lower lip, eyes trailing away, suddenly pulled into the moment and the awareness of how much different Istredd is from all the figures of authority in his life. Aware enough that it gives him pause.
"I..." he starts, swallows, clears his throat. Still unable to look at Istredd, even when he finally continues. "I know... and I believe you. And I know you know how much Rhy means to me. But I am my own person. I really am. You don't have to worry I'll do something stupid. Really."
At this moment, he even believes it.
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"I was raised in a similar way." He knows he has discussed this with Kell but it's relevant. "With the Brotherhood, you were expected your entire life to be loyal, to only live for it. When they called, you came, no matter what. Even those who thought they were rebellious, they came when fingers were snapped at them. What we could do for them, it was the only thing that mattered." Istredd got away but did he? He got away to do his studies but it was for them, he got to avoid courts and active participation back home, but none of his money was his, everything he earned was branched from their influence.
"It's led me to struggle with finding value in myself separate from that. Someone else is always more important, some cause is always bigger than me." Istredd has created his own bigger causes, and identified the people he considers more important, and he still has an instinct to think about that first. "It's taken a lot of work on other people's part to try and change that mindset." It drives Lucifer insane.
"But I see that in you and it worries me, because you're so young, Kell. I don't want you to waste decades like I did thinking your only value is what other people can take from you. You're as important as Rhy is, Kell."
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"But I am my magic. It's as much me as ... well, whatever the rest is, or what it is ever for."
Herein lies the problem. He never paid attention to that rest. Not that he had freedom to. Most of what he did was in line or against the expectations others had for him. In reaction, no matter positive or negative, to other people thoughts and opinions. What he wanted was in opposition to limitations his adopted parents had put on him. It felt good to bend or even break the rules.
"I don't see how I can separate myself from it, and if it can be useful, if I can be useful, I'd rather it be for someone I really care about. It's not importance, I just can do things for Rhy that he cannot do himself so why wouldn't I?"
But did you ask him, Kell? Did you? Did you ask him if he wants your sacrifice? To share your life with him in a way that felt so unbreakable and final. At least until Singularity. He didn't. He just dropped his future into the fire like it meant nothing. Like he's always willing to drop things for Rhy. Whether Rhy asks him for it or not. Sometimes even when he doesn't want him to...
“You never let me fall.”
No, he won't. He can't.
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"Why can't he do things for himself?" Istredd tilts his head, eyes piercing. "He has access to magic now, like the rest of us. What rules applied in your sphere don't matter here. Rhy doesn't need you to sacrifice everything for him because he's capable of taking care of himself." Istredd's always thought of Rhy as a very competent person, perhaps with a healthier point of view about what is his responsibility and what is not.
"Have you spoken to him about all of this? Believe me when I say a lot of miscommunication in a relationship can be a death knell." Istredd and Yennefer were apart for decades because of their issues, and even when they met again they weren't good at talking to each other. All of the struggles Lucifer and him have gone through are because of miscommunication, they're not great at it, but they're learning.
"I'm not saying you're doing anything bad or wrong, it's more that you can find more happiness if you reach for it."
stubborn boy needs some time ;)
"Of course he can! I just ..."
always did it back home.
Always shielded him from harm, even from the slightest inconvenience. Always gave in to his wildest whims. Even the last one that turned out pretty disastrous on its own. He does not finish his sentence. It's enough that Istredd said it out loud.
What if Rhy really doesn't need him? He'd rather not know, not ask, than learn that's the case.
"Not really," he admits.
It's better now. At least Kell doesn't try to deliberately hide things and doesn't outright lie. It's progress, but they're still not that great in talking to each other about difficult things. What can be more difficult than that? With their history?
"But I am happy."
While true, it's not all that is. Kell just doesn't see it yet.
we can wrap on this one!
"Now let's talk about Nott's pier and what we can do to get it back to itself."