Despite Istredd's best efforts Kell just shrinks into himself. Thing is, he's not fully human. In Arnes, most people saw only the Antari. Here, most people see only the human. Alien, yes, a Summoned, but mostly human. Few people see both. Lucifer did, Sabine does, and Istredd should too. Nothing made it more painfully obvious how inhuman he can be than the weeks they spent in the pit. Deprived of his magic Kell was dying there. Istredd has seen him there, he should know. So how can he say that he has some other intrinsic value other than that?
"But I am my magic. It's as much me as ... well, whatever the rest is, or what it is ever for."
Herein lies the problem. He never paid attention to that rest. Not that he had freedom to. Most of what he did was in line or against the expectations others had for him. In reaction, no matter positive or negative, to other people thoughts and opinions. What he wanted was in opposition to limitations his adopted parents had put on him. It felt good to bend or even break the rules.
"I don't see how I can separate myself from it, and if it can be useful, if I can be useful, I'd rather it be for someone I really care about. It's not importance, I just can do things for Rhy that he cannot do himself so why wouldn't I?"
But did you ask him, Kell? Did you? Did you ask him if he wants your sacrifice? To share your life with him in a way that felt so unbreakable and final. At least until Singularity. He didn't. He just dropped his future into the fire like it meant nothing. Like he's always willing to drop things for Rhy. Whether Rhy asks him for it or not. Sometimes even when he doesn't want him to...
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Date: 2023-12-20 11:23 am (UTC)"But I am my magic. It's as much me as ... well, whatever the rest is, or what it is ever for."
Herein lies the problem. He never paid attention to that rest. Not that he had freedom to. Most of what he did was in line or against the expectations others had for him. In reaction, no matter positive or negative, to other people thoughts and opinions. What he wanted was in opposition to limitations his adopted parents had put on him. It felt good to bend or even break the rules.
"I don't see how I can separate myself from it, and if it can be useful, if I can be useful, I'd rather it be for someone I really care about. It's not importance, I just can do things for Rhy that he cannot do himself so why wouldn't I?"
But did you ask him, Kell? Did you? Did you ask him if he wants your sacrifice? To share your life with him in a way that felt so unbreakable and final. At least until Singularity. He didn't. He just dropped his future into the fire like it meant nothing. Like he's always willing to drop things for Rhy. Whether Rhy asks him for it or not. Sometimes even when he doesn't want him to...
“You never let me fall.”
No, he won't. He can't.