[ This scene feels all too familiar to him and for a moment Cassian feels his resolve waver. But as soon as he feels that foundation quake, he steels himself. The circumstances are different. When he ran away after the job on Aldhani, it had been done so selfishly in spite of all his good intent. No part of him had wanted to leave anyone behind for what would have been the umpteenth time. At the time he had told himself that it was all old habits dying hard. That while everyone - Maarva, Bix, Brasso and countless others would inevitably be disappointed with him in some way, would write it off as nothing more than Cassian needing to lay low again. At the time he'd told himself that that was fine. That he'd return in time once the heat died down. Except it hadn't and things had escalated far quicker than he could comprehend.
But this time will be different, he tells himself. This time he isn't leaving for good. Nor is he leaving on his own for his own selfish reasons. No one would die. They're all working together to get the Summoned out collectively and this was just one small step towards that. But before he can fully steady himself he hears his childhood name. Inadvertently he flinches. ]
It's Cassian. Not Kassa.
[ The weary reminder isn't meant to be a chiding one or even scathing. He just can't bear to hear it in this moment when this parallels all the scenarios in which he's left someone behind before. That same weariness seems to persist at the reminder and the moment passes. ]
You say that like I'll just abandon her when we get there. I'm sure Yennefer and the others won't let her too far out of their sights either.
[ It feels like putting a wall between them, regardless of whether that's the case. Or really Istredd's just feeling tense at the moment and emotional. He also left people in the lurch once. It was for a good reason and one he had to do, but all it did was end up hurting himself and others. He's not the one who stays, usually. He's the one who goes, who had a path far away from other people. This life has been such a different one for him. Amazing how two years can supersede nine decades. ]
That's not what I said.
[ Istredd trusts Cassian with River without question. That's why he wants this for both of them. The farther away from the throne the better right then. He feels the misery come over him like a shadow and rubs a hand through his hair, looking down at the floor. This means all of his family will be away from him, and with Kell recently gone, it feels like an extra cut to the heart. But it's an active choice.
[ It isn't an intentional wall; they're both out of sorts and not themselves. The last several weeks have been harrowing and when his walls have been forcibly torn down it's only natural that his instincts tell him to pull them back up. But they aren't fully impenetrable. A prickling sense of guilt manages to worm its way through the cracks as he watches Istredd drag a hand through his hair and cast his gaze down towards the ground.
Remorse begins to trickle its way into his body language and he rubs a hand across his face. ]
I know. I'm sorry.
[ There had been an attempt at trying to bring some levity to the situation. Clearly that had fallen flat. When his hand falls away from his face he looks up, an apology in his expression. ]
I'll be in touch once we get there and once we settle River in. We'll probably have to stay out of sight for a little while in case they try and find us but Nott isn't that far. [ Cassian's gaze steadies on Istredd's. ] We aren't going where you can't reach us.
[ Istredd used to be a lot more of a closed-off person and unfortunately being here has made him more of an open book. It's the risk of caring about people and letting that become a defining part of your life. He's sensitive now. He knows ultimately the best thing for the people he loves is to save them. There is no greater gesture than to help them escape this place that he's chosen to be locked to.
That isn't to say the other locations are so much magically better, but until they have better options, he's doing his best. What he wouldn't give to have the Nether open to them, he would trust sending River and Cassian there far more than Solvunn or the Free Cities. For now, Nott will have to suffice. ]
I know. I won't come for some time in case they're following me. We can meet up in Nocwich and the Horizon until then.
[ Istredd visited Nott for the first time to see Yennefer recently but it was quiet and they've been using the other options just to be safe. Probably more paranoid than necessary, but better safe than sorry. ]
Thank you for telling me. Be careful. Know that I'm always here for you.
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no subject
But this time will be different, he tells himself. This time he isn't leaving for good. Nor is he leaving on his own for his own selfish reasons. No one would die. They're all working together to get the Summoned out collectively and this was just one small step towards that. But before he can fully steady himself he hears his childhood name. Inadvertently he flinches. ]
It's Cassian. Not Kassa.
[ The weary reminder isn't meant to be a chiding one or even scathing. He just can't bear to hear it in this moment when this parallels all the scenarios in which he's left someone behind before. That same weariness seems to persist at the reminder and the moment passes. ]
You say that like I'll just abandon her when we get there. I'm sure Yennefer and the others won't let her too far out of their sights either.
no subject
[ It feels like putting a wall between them, regardless of whether that's the case. Or really Istredd's just feeling tense at the moment and emotional. He also left people in the lurch once. It was for a good reason and one he had to do, but all it did was end up hurting himself and others. He's not the one who stays, usually. He's the one who goes, who had a path far away from other people. This life has been such a different one for him. Amazing how two years can supersede nine decades. ]
That's not what I said.
[ Istredd trusts Cassian with River without question. That's why he wants this for both of them. The farther away from the throne the better right then. He feels the misery come over him like a shadow and rubs a hand through his hair, looking down at the floor. This means all of his family will be away from him, and with Kell recently gone, it feels like an extra cut to the heart. But it's an active choice.
Lucifer above everyone else, always.
The cause on top of that, first. ]
I just worry.
no subject
Remorse begins to trickle its way into his body language and he rubs a hand across his face. ]
I know. I'm sorry.
[ There had been an attempt at trying to bring some levity to the situation. Clearly that had fallen flat. When his hand falls away from his face he looks up, an apology in his expression. ]
I'll be in touch once we get there and once we settle River in. We'll probably have to stay out of sight for a little while in case they try and find us but Nott isn't that far. [ Cassian's gaze steadies on Istredd's. ] We aren't going where you can't reach us.
Let's wrap on this but I LOVE THEM ALWAYS.
That isn't to say the other locations are so much magically better, but until they have better options, he's doing his best. What he wouldn't give to have the Nether open to them, he would trust sending River and Cassian there far more than Solvunn or the Free Cities. For now, Nott will have to suffice. ]
I know. I won't come for some time in case they're following me. We can meet up in Nocwich and the Horizon until then.
[ Istredd visited Nott for the first time to see Yennefer recently but it was quiet and they've been using the other options just to be safe. Probably more paranoid than necessary, but better safe than sorry. ]
Thank you for telling me. Be careful. Know that I'm always here for you.