Kell wants to say 'I wish I'd known you sooner', but then he realizes that no, it doesn't work that way. It is only now that they can have this conversation the way it's going down. It's only now that Istredd can tell him all this and he listens. They didn't get along in the beginning.

At first, Istredd was just Lucifer's roommate to Kell. Kell was pretty blind to whatever it was that they were having then, and he was fine with his ignorance. Then it dawns on him how much he had changed in this short span of time. The Black Night remains that one event that changed him the most, but the greatest shift in the conditions for what can and will happen to him, is here. And honestly, it's fucking terrifying.

"Yeah, it's kind of like that. I'm Antari, and I was always told that means I am special. I cannot fuck up. I'm supposed to be good at everything. Most of the time, I actually was. But there were things I wasn't good at. There were times I did fuck up, and when I did it always felt that I failed at being Antari. That it wasn't just 'oh I'm not good at this one thing' or 'I made a stupid mistake because I'm young and stupid'. It was always 'how could you' and 'you should have known better'."

Meeting Holland didn't help. Now, that he looks at it; that Istredd made him look. Now, he sees it's all this dumb competition against himself, and Holland. Even far away from the people it mattered to the most.

Suddenly, the realization strikes him and he looks up at Istredd.

"I don't want this to be about me and how cool I am. I want to be more like Rhy. I want this to be about people we're doing this for."

Please, help him. He doesn't know how.